HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
( z* h3 v9 h7 M+ w' R% m7 X3 e> >                     Effective January 20079 S) R+ |0 D, I
> >. b% G! \7 n; F, z8 N, k/ @) ?* l
> > Dress Code
3 h6 W. F$ |7 J- N/ y> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
$ j. e; T8 m3 t- o1 f> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing( R) S9 h' Z: g9 s# J0 O
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume3 G' D& d+ W( s' M+ y2 U. _
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
  j5 K8 \: ?5 r$ c8 X3 V$ h> > need a pay raise.
" [- `/ }6 {) C# O: F# X* _> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage, K' y4 o6 E' K3 d' R
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
, B: k9 n6 o' C( p1 F& T> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.2 p! O5 E$ Z- @& M
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you; ^# ~- j  w0 N, g- H6 D
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
2 [. Q  {7 K' @/ r! m> > raise.
. G6 M+ `' U/ b" B: `4 ^> >
  I9 W( ?% X' b: K! O* x> > Sick Days
0 j# f' U. X) M* ~$ r> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as  S; q0 G: x) _# n" a7 j
> > proof of sickness.
1 Q9 m; W% ^+ ?, C2 L9 P> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
! k4 f3 b  m9 R8 L> > to come to work.2 i% F! U% W$ q# W( @* E. q
> >0 ?9 p$ }% }, u9 w( L- e
> > Holiday Days
' E) b9 A) u5 ]7 M! V8 d. ~> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
/ G0 f2 V/ L1 R5 C> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.3 d, d1 v3 Q* m- L; [- B! J
> >
  ^3 F8 r8 W1 W" t$ G> > Compassionate Leave
6 c% x/ [, {8 H. t, I& W5 d> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing! F* T1 }; F) t( U( V
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
, N$ C  N5 r. J: Z3 w1 i+ L> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
. t! x# e' F, L4 i> > employees attend to the arrangements.
( D/ s$ x/ y" l, Y' b: n> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
' H1 e2 r$ ^- t. `5 [1 `> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the  ~- \2 z# k* ~
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work4 |0 E8 |7 l" k5 R5 [2 {
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one3 Q, }5 j; h1 L) g0 G7 y" D
> > hour early.
8 f0 _! W% z( g9 u7 }+ R> >. [5 f# `0 b, t4 Y
> > Toilet Use8 a, ~& G' P2 }$ m7 X) Q" b) p) O* N
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
4 w/ J/ I; z+ E> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
9 v. a9 {8 ^5 }7 d- x* |$ }! R. v> > in the cubicles.+ m9 z1 v9 h7 L2 G' Z" U
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will/ L4 C' j5 W' b9 J" V' e: n
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
. z4 |2 `! E& F$ Q1 A2 K3 j) o> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
  n! I6 G4 W5 r8 D> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
0 X+ A) s% a! T> > posted on the company notice board under the
) b9 l1 {0 G- _! z. ]) i> > "Chronic Offenders" category.) A/ N/ a: W, k, y% r3 w; H
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
7 Y( R* R% f& ^* t1 J, m> > sanctioned under the company's mental health( \+ i* u7 i/ m! {
> > policy.$ r$ F% g: y3 k
> >$ {$ b  o; r1 y$ l
> > Lunch Break
1 m( y% B+ x3 i+ ?  x5 B> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they' M7 |. U' ~0 D
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.: f) y6 N2 Q/ |& C3 \
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
( ?* o9 r! L% R) V; h' h2 T> > maintain their average figure.* e) ]) h5 \: K  s. S- M
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
6 J# B7 a5 C' s4 p# c/ s> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.7 Y4 ~" o2 ]+ ]$ p2 Q# }
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are) v5 z0 K$ \+ R. u6 {! U
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
% E  e* l2 i0 H5 F> > employment experience.1 |( m" H6 i) d/ D. K
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,& O# e! O( S2 g  [/ _/ N) `/ @
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,7 E+ G  n1 B- m0 W
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
6 y4 A9 E( Z& ?9 B9 N/ n+ d0 S> > directed elsewhere.