HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:" U# _" s% x+ h! Q7 ^; K" l+ c/ F& p
> >                     Effective January 2007
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% ~5 S. _" G5 B+ p9 S" w, D> > Dress Code
$ m8 X" l9 a* {$ Q4 C: w/ O> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
4 g+ u. c9 P8 g3 Y$ n+ S3 O> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing$ @9 v8 m9 G8 @7 [  ?: Y
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
# x+ D7 {3 ]" _0 {> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
5 r+ M# B. Y8 e7 m/ x: O0 @> > need a pay raise.
1 O6 }/ {% Y) y4 L( a> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage$ c4 q6 \" k% ?7 q9 N
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
3 w4 \: {  B9 A. u> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3 b7 Q5 _$ ]7 e> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
4 i# m; a1 W+ c" R, }2 S> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
! C4 Q2 r0 p9 X3 F8 M> > raise.
$ t8 b! \) |2 s" o$ s, `7 Z. N) J. i> >
  r; S5 |3 T( L2 Z' Y  g! p2 Y> > Sick Days
# r; C. [6 g" A1 n7 T1 I> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
+ y3 H% A! X! u, q& @' L/ H> > proof of sickness.& D& y, K) L/ G  J
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
# m6 l3 Q1 n! n! y> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days% M6 Q5 B3 T% O7 B7 f! y
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a) t& v& J0 Y; j6 d* D5 P
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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9 v7 @2 U, P' ?> > Compassionate Leave' P" n3 q2 Q  O
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing) L! r  f' C( |2 ^
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
2 }, Z9 K$ u* N  \: S> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
  r# t, J5 E4 |0 @: w> > employees attend to the arrangements.
/ W8 r5 u. P7 i+ j# W9 }8 o/ X* `> > In rare cases where employee involvement is6 c7 O: I# N& D- J, K
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
8 v9 \# y& s2 G" Y7 O/ [& Z# H> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work- b: M6 N3 P" Q1 Z
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
9 k- `4 F  K1 p( M3 {8 P  H! g> > hour early.: N: B8 M2 B) Z; A& q% u
> >
1 V5 g/ |; ]* |3 n% S9 T5 X> > Toilet Use* [1 ]6 ^( |$ N* h) r
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the3 ~3 ~4 i8 F9 u4 i# ^
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit& S# b& F* X! R' q6 g6 L6 C# Y
> > in the cubicles.
/ U9 L5 S/ J9 z" W: @; {$ i* L> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will; \  \5 q8 W5 H  v
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle' Z9 `: q" V, a
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3 K0 C( o# f4 v3 R/ ]& a> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be6 O5 E. |( b7 O
> > posted on the company notice board under the+ |' j% G7 o- N
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
( q' _( Q- E' `; f) D> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
' b1 I4 b0 ?$ ]! H> > sanctioned under the company's mental health0 o/ T/ \+ ~1 \' B$ P
> > policy.; Y! y/ T$ b7 a/ Z9 s8 B$ V3 e
> >% y& i! e. |  e
> > Lunch Break8 E) h1 o- p- P& F
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they4 E" j9 D& h8 p* v+ e
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
! C5 {; @% V& q9 Q- ]; A> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to5 {6 O. V: j( y
> > maintain their average figure.' w; s9 H' n' L6 D$ L4 v
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time# P% p) Y& k. J4 k
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
! w4 G% ?- j" L- k! L> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
) d( n  O8 P! V0 s( a# p) T> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
3 o- B" @: \* Q# K1 ]/ S> > employment experience.
# m0 ^' g) E4 }4 U1 Y+ M7 M' v> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
* Q9 W  e/ C$ p) A4 H> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,4 B- H. a3 h' l( C7 ~
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
: g0 X$ n/ ?1 y> > directed elsewhere.