HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:1 f, ~( M3 x, ^
> >                     Effective January 2007
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5 j0 C) m% p# {! m( i4 n> > Dress Code
+ E/ [5 l, `- Y' ^: g* Q! `9 Y> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed; L. _( O/ F( y: _8 Q+ @3 U
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
3 B6 q8 L6 E. B) g3 v3 c> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume4 H, r" ~0 h  W# a- n4 p" N
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
$ Y) t; N$ \" d/ E; h$ @> > need a pay raise.
8 s# G# u4 X/ k  X( @2 l> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage- i; n/ {  Q/ N& i% W$ u9 f
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer/ S% P, |: k( M9 K9 d
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.1 w9 [4 }" H3 Z
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you* a% N+ e% m, f9 d4 O: {
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
# b" a/ o9 j2 k4 W. b. i" a! N5 P! [> > raise.
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> > Sick Days4 [7 \; U1 V- B1 u+ t
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as$ g; v( D7 o& m8 g; H! _& f
> > proof of sickness.* w5 C, T' E. a% _6 k
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able, k0 f7 \& w& L: m2 Y5 y
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days" f  R+ M8 p  Q- l+ q
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
- z6 @: k0 H/ ~% W# F/ X> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
' _) n/ f4 _1 N- Q> >
) v( v5 u3 T4 j  v( d> > Compassionate Leave
: W' @& M2 c& E' k2 u1 Y> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
- t; t( c8 f+ W0 {" i1 q+ c: C4 W> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
0 e7 L) k2 L. f1 D" |> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
$ _1 p5 K, e+ U. l- O- ]  M& K> > employees attend to the arrangements.
# y  f; s+ p1 `  i% y> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
' P# I! R0 z$ O+ z! c  t> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the+ j" P# j" e1 B" ^0 O
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work) D9 f# x3 s% M
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one+ r+ E* g7 u/ }8 o& C- H
> > hour early.
) g9 s& I# N; {4 d4 K1 Y> >
. A9 {7 V$ V4 o6 T0 z> > Toilet Use9 ^) D% L0 R& h6 u# ]' W6 S
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
, ]$ l( u  ~1 U; x> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit: ^2 ?3 c; A8 X% v4 _
> > in the cubicles.3 B2 H$ o5 c* F! ~
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
/ b/ o2 I/ l# q, L( \> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
1 z# n3 {  E/ ^, H( s> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
+ F- I+ R$ p( R/ x- ]7 Q" Y" H> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be* c: R) L+ V3 J- S7 z- P* U- z4 h. c# y
> > posted on the company notice board under the6 T$ F0 Q. w/ Q" w5 @4 N! L0 Q/ A
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
7 O5 M3 E/ F; u" v6 O> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be6 ~  H% G. l' r# }$ g4 e+ j: F
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health3 \5 J2 W" g4 K0 |9 ^; g& I
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break
& r/ o! j' s% I9 w. Y> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
: T' l0 v8 Q: Z5 M% k" ^> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.! Z0 I9 Z4 _9 C9 t; }1 ~" T! j$ @
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to+ M9 T8 [; k4 v/ ~. w. o. Y
> > maintain their average figure.; U7 ?. b% c' B% ?. Y4 Y; H: S
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time8 q" o+ A/ n$ b* X/ X0 }0 O7 d
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
, `. z' R' V5 F1 J+ S9 T> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
2 i$ g- }* H5 q* l( a( f6 W7 j> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
! z8 I: f1 A, u+ E" T: l( J> > employment experience.
* {3 C+ o& j8 r0 L2 C0 I4 ?" ?> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
1 ]8 D* k; {& k> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,3 B" |2 ~* v  `" H4 D3 t/ x
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
: ?7 k8 r; X; c' V$ q: U> > directed elsewhere.