HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:# O% P% W/ W: E/ _; V0 c6 P( R+ B
> >                     Effective January 2007! y+ D/ t3 y5 j% o5 {
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> > Dress Code% e% X. R, f% L( |% Q8 J9 S
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
4 D$ D4 A/ {, x> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing! }7 M: S% Y1 v: r8 @
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume+ P8 d& {% w# T5 m" P
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not3 B/ x& _( O3 E" _5 p
> > need a pay raise.
6 b) a% p& E1 z7 C! X; w( ^5 W" i> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
: n0 ~" b0 T% M# W0 d> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer, H/ I' g$ K) k9 E9 u; a1 J: B& g& D: c
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
" U$ @7 ^; V: |0 M+ M  D> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you+ R/ M8 R; P) G8 @( l1 F! Y
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay7 [" ?/ K0 a$ N: U8 E6 E) X
> > raise.
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> > Sick Days2 d, o' v5 f- O, {, P
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
9 ]; B- T( \6 e& ~> > proof of sickness.  G. p# b; J! i0 I
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
/ U/ p* ~: b8 ~1 r" d$ q( Y> > to come to work.
2 G% P2 K" g  M" C5 S1 R9 T9 g> >
( W, M, w7 C! B> > Holiday Days
* z  X8 p2 h- p+ c> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
8 R3 Y) S# ]# U! R8 _% {4 J> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave6 t6 b  W* a, z0 C& ?
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
/ T. s8 ]2 q4 m* N> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-7 ~) j7 M3 _8 X
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
* O. k3 e5 ~0 J7 m" I5 E> > employees attend to the arrangements.
# U5 w  p2 m& r+ D> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
( S! M' Z  l9 X# p1 y> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
6 \3 {. I6 }! v0 D3 ]9 ~  u- @> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
# N' l& _& U$ d: j) A" {> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one; H- \8 |/ E6 e$ o- J8 M1 j+ |
> > hour early./ M5 O1 ^- K* s- O2 ?
> >; E0 u  Y2 x' l+ R- I
> > Toilet Use7 F  H2 E: y+ ~" h$ Q. j
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
1 ?: |& `6 t5 h& f# J> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
& ?0 s+ Y0 h/ F> > in the cubicles.4 N6 W3 z7 c" p! K4 ^! W, Y
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will, x7 R8 X4 `- B4 S
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle; c7 l/ f* i" A6 }" A+ \
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
+ v3 E0 C6 Y: \> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be' p) q. o6 e2 Q9 V" U
> > posted on the company notice board under the
; }- D, ], q4 P( F; l: y% u8 I; m> > "Chronic Offenders" category.# @3 ~* S0 V8 \9 C6 \: k4 }; s
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be& M$ z' b, T6 C4 g# g3 |
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health! B8 `5 h# m+ x' h6 g9 X+ m5 ?
> > policy.
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1 s6 N$ [0 O* U9 ^7 V( k% F> > Lunch Break0 s/ A+ q9 C* p2 g6 r) R) Q
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
/ K1 {' ~2 T4 c1 s. p" H> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
) Y) L7 t5 U) k) l% r6 Z> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to$ S$ `: z: E, \0 r7 {
> > maintain their average figure.
# z. [( l; r0 Q5 B) j; e8 J> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
2 v% D, l- d% I$ p- d4 l> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
$ x1 Z: p' v% t1 a3 b: k) h& s- A> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are5 C- U4 f$ c1 Z  h+ S
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
: a  _: T# c( l) ?> > employment experience.
0 d8 D9 z- A: v2 {- p: b2 ]> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
) s4 f. X) @8 }! h> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
# l2 d) d( N" J> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be4 G  [5 m7 Q, [7 J9 H4 j
> > directed elsewhere.