HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
# M; [) d: F7 g+ }% A> >                     Effective January 20071 T% T9 i' {; n1 I
> >
- e8 y3 [7 h) D' b# j> > Dress Code2 l7 h5 e* ~  D" l2 I* S
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
$ P3 P4 d8 e9 A5 a3 ^> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ y  p; l$ |5 a0 [: m% g
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume! N5 O" ~2 Y: x8 `  N
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not) a, ]- H: y. O) j& p/ V
> > need a pay raise.6 ], s( X* M/ [2 R3 B
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage8 C4 m3 E' u8 S+ |5 t( m) z! J( l
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
5 z' K1 B$ W6 i1 }/ O> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.7 x# m& x' x% R2 y5 j+ M
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you+ c+ E  l9 R9 D
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay# `$ g% s3 F0 I; g4 Y
> > raise.
1 E0 N% Q6 ]+ ^9 y' ?> >
' }( r) Y6 a/ B- S  A. I! [> > Sick Days
+ y! D* ^" p% l> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as  c2 I% F+ @7 H8 `6 u0 s
> > proof of sickness.
4 B6 j5 V  G4 @2 E8 K9 c$ m> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able, |0 j( Q& F% {- w; z* G1 j* G
> > to come to work.
) ?2 V3 `; {- F; L> >
* _* X, r( r% g2 c$ D* l  B) F. L> > Holiday Days1 Y* s6 j: }' [- O, \) `: O
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a: o" J# h  H4 v4 r
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
6 ?" Z6 v4 B, c8 {- ~4 C6 q$ ]> >  s1 P- R: l8 ~% ^1 [
> > Compassionate Leave
+ H) i! N$ ^& C> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
9 _* w$ ~' ?/ k. ^> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-$ d: Q4 K9 u* B* f
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
- a. ?& M9 J& s: c9 B* n> > employees attend to the arrangements.
8 X' g% G1 p/ v0 N! k% j8 F5 q> > In rare cases where employee involvement is! t; X$ X+ A7 `, W7 a1 p4 ^& J
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
  b7 N+ z- S! u4 g. S> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
7 C) v3 M/ s. h! O- g* O' C3 r> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one* t0 H0 h) W( c; \, `: l
> > hour early.
9 p$ U- o) O# Z: ~> >
2 Q& A& N' a/ @. P5 Y> > Toilet Use  J6 k- ^& H5 `
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the, n& Q9 r5 V$ l" f) h2 {
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit0 \& ]( h! W1 w* h& Q0 h9 X6 M; u( Z  x
> > in the cubicles./ H2 X( {$ i) D& L7 M
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will* }  O9 Y$ `* l$ M6 p; q
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
' w/ y/ n0 v) C2 n9 F" M> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
: a9 x! {0 `4 G( P- ^> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
6 [' N/ A& v1 Z* k: H> > posted on the company notice board under the
- I! d  w6 x9 W2 u> > "Chronic Offenders" category.8 H1 y, ^4 Y4 {- U# g) z
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be9 k0 k1 H6 {* v. D' d: ^
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health! I) E3 k$ @; Q( {  r3 h$ n2 j
> > policy./ m' K6 B4 g) C, D/ I6 N8 g
> >
5 U! s, R& @+ \> > Lunch Break: s9 l) E  ?: O+ h% V
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they/ C7 p: L- f- |; c
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
' D+ u6 J4 o5 @& Y$ j> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
5 L% S  ~+ W) b7 |> > maintain their average figure.
' N7 r( J$ i- w5 s! S5 @> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time" o+ P- E; ]8 n& U* O$ w4 C
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.6 A# U/ o5 k  a- V
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are$ k9 [# v+ }, q/ ?' H* y0 H
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
; J, {8 ?. Z7 V; \5 P9 j  _8 g: l# @> > employment experience.( J3 m8 r4 V& M  L  W
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
+ a% H( s' i( @1 q. E# F/ E4 P> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,5 G" ]  _; `6 P+ W
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
0 V" O4 E. Z3 T" s. h5 g; h# o> > directed elsewhere.