To all Employees:& f3 Q+ k5 ~" y' H% S
> > Effective January 2007 6 I$ C) ~. u( h' \6 \ d2 D- l. s> > , y4 q& D( T: m$ {" F0 g> > Dress Code; E% p$ \4 |, B. e2 w
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed 3 s% Q% v( M3 j> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ z* |& D' j u2 `4 o
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume8 x. T6 E( T- `( _+ f; Z
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not0 u# ^% k- a% Y/ n+ Z ?/ e: i1 ^2 I
> > need a pay raise. 3 W, d$ a7 J! Q& u' g> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage # T! D3 z8 r$ G& g, j' \) n( Q" G> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer & {; L8 K3 W3 a( e4 B> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise. ; n% r/ `& L- w& X: F( x> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you ) ]8 @8 x0 q; Q# L& e* z- K. S& c> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay 8 e0 q# ? E, o> > raise.' e8 |4 _0 m4 y( B* i* J* k, H
> >% l+ p% _ `1 [6 y) Y2 |
> > Sick Days % k5 ^4 v3 _- b- h> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as 1 R i8 F5 r; Y$ y- t+ H> > proof of sickness.* H, \, n5 z" W8 f m
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able6 g$ N4 s) g" p+ V
> > to come to work. $ ], `# ^9 d9 y> > 4 N& p# F# L6 R6 s) ~* n# r- j> > Holiday Days# k' h) K0 d0 L" _1 B8 F
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a, N$ l1 X" ?. ^; H7 e
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. , m" ]; `+ ]3 }( z5 u- s> > * I( {$ O y4 M& T6 W> > Compassionate Leave" K1 c+ F' P# E; O' I# R, ~
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing) c }) p+ `3 X8 s4 c" X1 R3 u
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-& P |! l9 ~! K! d6 d [, o5 W
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non- * Y' F, l) y% o: a) Y+ [> > employees attend to the arrangements. : d$ w+ ` z- z* L> > In rare cases where employee involvement is; k+ ]1 Q! j! [0 y! C6 r4 o
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the! Q! R; T: [' C) b
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work : p( g" b0 d/ U; U> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one% D$ j$ Z: B I; |
> > hour early. , o8 k$ }" B/ n1 Z> > , F1 w4 D7 f+ h& r> > Toilet Use( p0 u3 D& j1 y' ` x/ B6 g3 M
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the ; o0 F0 q2 b& W( a9 P: z> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit + Q9 F, Q, R9 ?) M7 _+ ~> > in the cubicles. $ } n! v! r. @/ E" u> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will. a4 y& r2 ] P
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle ( S. B' C9 R- I# r> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.' i# ?5 z6 d9 d; n7 m
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be6 {8 e, j5 M# x* B9 g
> > posted on the company notice board under the! t" ]6 A' K/ F3 }- e. K& h( {
> > "Chronic Offenders" category. l9 o# S/ y X3 \' h
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be ; h) l% }3 \, y0 s> > sanctioned under the company's mental health- W! V/ r; z" F* u
> > policy./ a `! r0 @) t! \2 q9 m
> > ' X. h* E* ~) L. q T+ J" o6 u> > Lunch Break & z n0 }2 X% o3 }8 z* N( ?> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they + w9 {, n" `+ z3 q% C> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.+ U" [/ r9 e/ t# t" Q1 `' N2 W2 Q
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to& n) P; _( D- x6 E: z7 l# p- T. H% A
> > maintain their average figure.' R+ M- R6 U( v! G5 `
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time 9 [2 E! y# C: C9 h> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.0 X- }- u/ H, @
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are* P6 s! }3 z; T$ U9 x
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive7 A% `* n1 i. ~
> > employment experience. 1 l! k" R+ E+ {( l _& s> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, ! `" O: n" D& j4 `> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,5 O8 O( m0 o& l) Z7 M6 {) Y
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be' A5 Q1 j1 i9 M2 A x5 h3 M) y- L
> > directed elsewhere.
