HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:9 k+ o, h9 P$ I% n
> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code1 Q6 j5 O1 w4 r' D
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed9 t, P- m- ?* C% c; [5 |
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing6 y, N$ \; M1 r  i) Z- y
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
6 f/ S. d- F; m& t> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not+ q" L; f/ n9 M/ Z3 L, _$ H& J
> > need a pay raise.
9 k6 a+ ~8 t1 U/ p% S1 c  {  o> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
5 c2 z  r" ]/ \! |) }' W4 q1 `> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
9 \) [1 x, h! h9 S6 r, h1 R' x> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.4 Q; E2 x4 _0 h1 A, `
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
  X% y$ P: ?' `& @' d> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
- c, E( D7 X/ V5 C0 e6 y; q> > raise.
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1 N  x& _& m& t! k> > Sick Days) i" K/ @$ [% p6 T' T
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
2 o* ~6 @& X7 o( ^8 ]. {5 W) p: H> > proof of sickness.0 X- \* @' Z& P( [3 [
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able3 A! M0 M8 M; U, B; {: H
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days1 U- Z* `; w& ]6 o1 v# K" n
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
& H1 ~6 |1 T# ~. g2 @1 N  s5 p4 x> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave7 z9 ]8 Y2 t+ X* F* t; b
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing0 d8 M; \6 B/ K- ]8 p/ ?% H2 Z" ]
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-0 F7 ?! p8 r) y& T9 ^( \$ g
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
& S/ b) R# _/ _* m! D% d$ v9 {> > employees attend to the arrangements.0 D$ F$ Y$ W4 B# D1 T
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
0 \, w) Y6 o. _* [5 V% F% v' y> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the# l7 e6 }9 A* f
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work# d3 c' Z/ n" P: D* g
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one* D1 g8 m. [6 Z% f+ y. g2 ^
> > hour early.
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0 D' f# T# ]& M+ U! R> > Toilet Use
6 ?6 a/ L$ l1 `- ]$ O( f> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the3 S% d; u, @/ U# L4 g
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit5 m' W+ G$ ^; P+ K, B; Q' S/ h# o
> > in the cubicles.* F" A- V+ c0 @$ P7 f7 o
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
0 [" S: [& F3 s+ ]> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle$ u+ I+ C8 i+ V
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.5 R6 y4 k, l, {% [8 q" l  _2 B
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be% e3 H$ A) J6 g1 m( A
> > posted on the company notice board under the
" ~8 E; F- n$ R- U# c8 L> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
, R+ b7 S8 C9 }% w' x1 M! E> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be! t8 m, e! g1 m$ l% V* |* @  q
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
( D: q. J9 ~4 v: P! T6 x- x& ~1 L8 \> > policy.3 O, Q, g1 ]8 N6 v! ]
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> > Lunch Break
2 m7 m, M& T; x4 Q8 s; \> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
- H# L! ?( m! W% X> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
; {' J# E) p. ]; h0 h8 p> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to! i1 I0 E+ B: T
> > maintain their average figure.
6 z  u. S0 w* a' y0 j2 T, G> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
9 L9 g7 }% k+ ~' [  a# ^4 e$ V" i> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
( D% b; c% B2 i& S# F> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
, E6 z# i3 q: f( I% c( P. ~/ Q> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive* e# W2 \/ ?+ w1 S0 R
> > employment experience.
1 e. c  D: Y) R/ r  B> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
- G" w! F! D6 M2 v6 ^% `* q> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
; R1 G+ }/ _2 P1 ?+ B> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
& p# K6 W4 I" ]> > directed elsewhere.