HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:* |" Z' Z; r. i+ W  c
> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
& u. N6 `% \* x$ S5 `" V- a+ R> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
# t2 U# M: E+ M3 m9 ~& |> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
  \# m4 L2 w- C6 N0 R0 A* w> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
* b' \+ f/ L; D> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
9 b6 N. Q  c3 A3 \> > need a pay raise.$ n3 \( L3 T; b* k/ Z- B
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
8 l1 b$ k7 Q4 Y' d> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer7 u# f4 ?' x0 c- v; ?. t0 ?; W
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
7 y' z7 j6 }" I; t/ {* r0 w+ ]8 y. r> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
+ `  @+ ^) J! k> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
& |5 V" k/ y) N> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
; Q9 P/ Z( C) Y6 d* A> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as' e" R3 [# s2 h, I
> > proof of sickness.
. d/ X* ^4 l( D+ t> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able. N# W! N( r" [$ O% n6 u0 O4 V
> > to come to work.8 A$ X& o& Q* @. ?2 M
> >! @& W! F6 [& d% u
> > Holiday Days; J4 h# r% n. T4 P3 \6 }, a- l3 o
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a, X6 B3 i9 B( H3 v" E( Y1 F& Z
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.4 w, J# I& @- Q0 Q) {" u' Q
> >9 y4 X2 r, @, \$ P! A$ i$ `# S( w
> > Compassionate Leave6 U% F1 k' z( H( ?, k4 g
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing6 n( P- Q# l2 j+ A5 n6 p. k, P
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
: z( O( G# s0 F0 X3 |8 f" @! G> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
2 V0 |, }  [4 b& g> > employees attend to the arrangements.0 T' k9 R% X+ O+ t5 E3 |4 i
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is: |; B/ y3 l2 I' a# Q$ V' K5 G
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
) n9 t8 r1 X; t2 }! I8 M$ b> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work; b7 D( n% U! b+ e
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one# j; o, ?2 G" J' s$ V
> > hour early.. E2 f. L' L( {
> >: ]0 r& Y" m8 r8 K- {( ^
> > Toilet Use# E: x" z8 m% D
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
' {4 M/ c* g5 W; n* C, n> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit+ R! |/ R4 N- ]: h( i# a; P
> > in the cubicles.
& q) V1 z+ S- R" n5 p* h9 W6 i> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
# B9 z) K& I+ f* b> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle; L# h1 A, s* D# M4 E
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.$ ^/ i7 ~1 [/ f  ^2 {+ {# X9 z  `" e
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
# ]- h* |, i3 b( Q  v+ X( T> > posted on the company notice board under the. F* l/ S8 Q$ w  U
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
/ [# y& b. f$ u; f3 P> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
* m6 V2 l( G/ ?" D1 `> > sanctioned under the company's mental health% @7 a+ k9 M/ c1 \+ K/ n5 p
> > policy.
. n: ]' s! Y# R. G9 @. q  E> >
4 a$ E- k# r8 |5 z# z> > Lunch Break
  s8 o2 P; B8 Y+ j: D, q> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they9 u2 \7 R; C# W
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
6 ?. c7 b# u' s+ P> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to4 ^3 c  M, C2 ~, u* a
> > maintain their average figure.6 ^3 E! F1 T7 A8 H$ v
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
+ m; i' ^5 @" L- }( V. `9 W& p> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
. y/ H; o1 ?* l+ q  f4 M3 U> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
, H7 P& i" t2 O' J5 T> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive! H. F+ Q" ]; [
> > employment experience.
, X5 s5 i2 w# b! x! r& m> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,& w! F, {) F2 m2 k6 m6 I! Q$ i! A! u
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
6 P3 _! k. ~: M, p; J> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
; H/ r8 R# w  Y/ Z> > directed elsewhere.