HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:/ O1 E( \( U. x6 \4 N4 ^. s
> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code% x7 R! ^. I9 @) `
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
9 ]) s: \2 O# q, k) X2 c8 w# q> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
. M, y4 B  f+ C> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume3 s; @8 G! I) Q" p5 v' X; i# g; i' e
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not- E1 z0 W5 s$ y% R9 p: r; a, R( D" b
> > need a pay raise.# Z  e6 `/ @) L/ ~
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
7 v# y+ C; |, ^7 `! X$ h3 j> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer; q8 d5 q) M+ Y7 W8 ?' {
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
5 d, G1 [9 k/ j9 C1 H4 o5 ~> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
& ], D, O: s3 }6 w4 _: m0 f> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
4 z* U- h7 |1 p6 F> > raise.
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+ |3 i$ E4 `- O7 r  L& S9 i% R> > Sick Days1 N' S3 U6 |- u' U' ?
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
; @4 b# c3 q: F. {( M9 ]5 V+ G2 b> > proof of sickness.
) S8 u1 j. U5 g; O" Z! b> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able* k' }' s0 @& B9 f) i+ b& M! i
> > to come to work.* \+ X! |, V/ j, E
> >
0 }- l, M5 W; e" z& v7 t6 }> > Holiday Days
* k) t* c& \" T> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a7 L, ~! v) E+ k
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.' x6 f0 q0 D/ I$ k0 _
> >
6 Q) j/ T7 [3 J- S> > Compassionate Leave% @8 Y" h9 W1 j. P1 O0 x( W$ M
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
. `- `. K- c3 z5 |5 q& r6 r> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-  x0 H. c1 O/ n% X% \. X( ]/ |9 C
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-$ Y; _) C' C, N
> > employees attend to the arrangements.: C% I1 S- e0 z3 Y+ N
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is  w& q/ v( B  M; l+ j
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
" o9 ~- [# i% o& i& \. U6 b> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work3 V: e. Z9 E' q" [
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one9 ~7 i  S  b( J
> > hour early.
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6 `" n6 E9 `' J! w& e> > Toilet Use
1 L7 m6 F* `  G9 A0 d- @! R2 ^# l> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
1 `( e/ ^6 E2 @6 j# f4 w/ ?> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
$ I) z+ E6 l" u' E0 o> > in the cubicles.
& I( v$ a* h8 ]; G$ a! ?# O4 w> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
% {# C6 Y0 ^7 H) X; ^8 V> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
' w2 G: T( P0 }+ V* k- B> > door will open, and your picture will be taken., _3 D# e( X# Y' G
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
9 c# F  H" G- P0 A0 H> > posted on the company notice board under the
+ B3 U8 T2 u( ?* G, u' n+ }( W> > "Chronic Offenders" category.' S% p$ a0 L! n
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be1 n/ a% t4 N; I
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health( ~5 u' e. p, n: l
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break* `0 F8 v  a* G, Q5 r, U! `
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
. W* h  G. q. O1 s> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
* D! a$ f  j# P# E1 u* ~> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to& Q2 {9 p/ S4 B  f4 U. E1 G/ h) S
> > maintain their average figure.5 a9 r' \" X" F
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time' }/ L, q9 [( _; k
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
' O  `, B8 K+ U1 w3 N) W- j> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are. B2 v- R9 Y4 ?8 O
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
$ r& ]! T- x5 A, ~! U% X! s, m> > employment experience.0 e+ x# p/ o& {4 E  u6 e9 |2 J
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,, _. w/ @# F# M
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,: Z  x: b! o: C
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
9 e3 s: |# v7 b* Y0 _) @  d> > directed elsewhere.