HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
1 `% f, k9 J/ \; p$ U> >                     Effective January 2007$ N  \. j& R6 K" @9 ]
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> > Dress Code$ Y* D2 k& h* _* t5 k
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed! v* I$ J% F/ q5 k$ A! m  I) B
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ l; f: l6 G6 o# r6 |& }, B
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume/ V. e# B" z; z3 s! y
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not! W( r6 u8 M/ Q
> > need a pay raise.1 m) F  h) M# T5 \2 I
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage  k! B3 V. [. |& v) i9 z
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer6 J3 v" X- G5 y) ~* T1 y; s
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
5 m2 x% p. y: D9 }4 s  [  L> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
7 |; K" ~: N0 {+ ^; _" B> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay8 _% I0 g* t  y2 R
> > raise.* D( H& W* U$ ^" z4 ^
> >; k$ G0 }; n2 ^/ M
> > Sick Days
+ F, L. R1 W1 B8 n5 F$ w9 `> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
, \0 t/ u+ q2 v4 c> > proof of sickness.
4 g8 U) b; b" y( R  O1 b, j6 L/ E> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
% M4 H4 c/ G/ B- M% {6 O  S5 M" y> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days
  I9 E1 q8 C- J7 ]' O! U> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a; E4 l/ ^5 s) T
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.& `% p7 P- F4 y3 H3 K
> >2 d% O6 |8 o. k  T: W1 ]
> > Compassionate Leave, L& b8 N& _- E$ W
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing! E6 s8 P" m) K: V+ l
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
) {% U7 N6 B9 s3 C. B/ e  @> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-5 G' Q1 j9 o5 K! b4 c! ]1 U
> > employees attend to the arrangements.7 ^6 X; t2 m/ V3 k+ T
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
6 {5 F+ M& R. Y% |> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
8 p) t. o) k. X> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
/ j* d/ t4 d, u+ K& N3 X& _> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
8 I2 x( o$ X9 ?7 l. `# k0 ]: w/ t> > hour early.
9 T, W; K8 F8 T  G$ v' Y# R4 E: K> >+ {4 X, [7 [: d* d1 ?/ F: Z/ v
> > Toilet Use
! ^$ E9 N& v/ {1 q8 v> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the( U/ D7 f5 R, e- C
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
. j1 f* K2 a# r4 p: O7 H3 G> > in the cubicles.
0 j# M9 j, w+ y5 A% K7 O: K> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will& Q, L6 i7 o! @$ S+ {# P3 Q5 _& C
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
6 l4 e% L) O$ }7 d9 K> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
, n: y+ T6 M8 C) ^% ?2 ?> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
. S9 ?' V+ ?* E; c$ r7 `: z6 I> > posted on the company notice board under the
8 v% u! l" j2 B* |) F> > "Chronic Offenders" category.; a* u+ k& E$ N
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be  k5 {/ v6 U2 E7 y1 u
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
" z5 O# S. n5 v$ b6 k> > policy.
0 }) @; M1 h$ G; Z> >
1 n! ~# M: K" D' L7 [4 J5 M* }; g> > Lunch Break
" {6 D, X- v/ u% F4 C( [> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they) h* v8 w# Y' ^- T( L
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.0 f& u. E3 x5 q% Q! L& m
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to6 Q* f- W" F; O
> > maintain their average figure.
9 o3 P7 x- ?) |! r> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time- M4 ?; k# Y) Z  r& B
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
5 E2 R8 S/ h' B4 G. y% P> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
$ J6 U5 u5 i) A0 u; t5 S> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive( O7 `% |6 Q# n# h! ^" U: D* G, ~4 o
> > employment experience.
/ h% I5 l- p( x. ^, m* t, j& u> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,' ?6 o. d. t8 M+ u) T
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations," F9 n$ s. X! _( }0 S" M& v
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be! I0 u1 r2 w2 z8 P% C! X
> > directed elsewhere.