HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
8 z* c! q% Y: e" S+ ^0 G> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
8 N8 K( K# H# E* Y- p: U> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed8 {$ T* S: }2 [7 o6 B7 h- Z
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing% ^0 @) S4 s7 D: E" y
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
! g% F* Q4 d" t3 x  N& _. N4 x3 |> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not6 c# s4 m9 L9 s5 s' H0 I
> > need a pay raise.1 P, |% |1 |3 h9 U) I
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
% G2 [; K* W: g2 A> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer: d; B% Q+ V3 }
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.5 y* o7 z& ^9 P- U9 j* C! \( r
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you5 z( l+ r, a; N# j$ @9 C' a; F
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay1 K- r4 e! y( ~9 T
> > raise." y% X& o' l0 X$ ?: l
> >6 g  I( ^7 o7 I* Z8 Z+ G0 x
> > Sick Days+ G. Q/ V  ~8 N* V, G8 K
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as- ~" f8 x! y( r3 |' Z
> > proof of sickness.
( x- z1 p, g9 b- z> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able$ V$ M2 n/ _3 o" X+ L/ H
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days  E4 G+ T- |2 H- i
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
7 v/ @; t5 Z4 x6 B> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave* f* g% X; ^- ?# l: X
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing, Q' m  _" {1 l
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-; E1 ^4 c0 N3 j; l9 w& I
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-4 _* X7 |  s& o& U" R$ j
> > employees attend to the arrangements.! x/ B3 L  p; h/ @
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is0 M  a5 U3 _' ^4 u1 p8 F
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
& T5 `: \* N( U' Y- P' Z> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work" N/ z: x8 n, ]" R) P7 e
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one& a7 W  w1 J0 l7 R1 k2 {( m' M7 }
> > hour early.7 j( ]  M. r- u( |/ I! L; ]0 v
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> > Toilet Use
7 f) ?7 o" q$ v% C> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the5 M8 S' i; @- e( F  l
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
0 T6 D; Z2 m: W% s  _5 o% r> > in the cubicles.* N$ n/ v0 m# \* C5 ?; f
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
! w* Y8 \0 K; o- T! q; K> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
' U8 L. J* `, Q  _  W! W> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.0 T2 N/ y, R: C; i  f& f2 |) s7 `% K
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be# C7 ?: J7 f+ A# |& _8 T+ ^: D( d5 J; t
> > posted on the company notice board under the$ v+ J6 J. _- l; N9 t
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.7 O/ T( {8 j) q$ z2 _
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be( ~/ C2 p5 q  c' |5 h$ o
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
7 l; N& n1 c0 c/ z4 g* x% K; H> > policy.; j; i; r8 ]5 {5 Z% C( x/ ^
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> > Lunch Break
4 H: P1 u" [* V, |* E5 J, X> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they7 }$ `( s& t+ g
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.- J( L- f' V2 k& Z
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to& t* v6 w" y0 k
> > maintain their average figure.
6 i0 n7 T3 _" @7 b& @8 {> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
: o1 l, y6 X* }8 R/ {7 S4 g2 `5 |> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
. t2 I9 L% L% r, q; B> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
* S/ T8 e7 _& Z. U4 @> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
5 G" }9 C) |! [* v# e& ~> > employment experience.
+ n) X; I1 {  O' B> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,$ A1 h! y$ w, q. Z
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,0 X" Y: i% h4 i; f! C" f
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be9 T% L, x" A# Q. f( P
> > directed elsewhere.