HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
: y9 m" A, S( e> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code- U! q/ ^7 P8 }6 A" y# T
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed+ o  f- U3 D3 L
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing0 B4 x+ _9 Z* R$ q6 r
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
7 L' E9 i: w2 @/ e! O. N1 ^$ {> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not- ?, k* R" U( ^* U+ N- l
> > need a pay raise.
9 d6 ]5 n3 W- x3 P> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
0 M! u- F, X+ `$ S4 s7 x) P> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
9 f' R3 u: I) k$ v0 d7 J) x> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
6 ?3 Y# Q+ `; ^> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you1 z4 R& I6 P. x5 h: I, D5 x* q
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
" J0 q( o0 E' l% J> > raise.
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/ j# Y" T) [7 {% |; h! G0 C. q> > Sick Days# u5 E1 _: R/ A3 ^% n+ I
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
2 ]0 O9 Z- Z0 W- G' A' B- W8 U> > proof of sickness.
9 u8 V7 q) T3 p: }$ ~1 V' d> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able# n- A0 D' b' W9 w" ]
> > to come to work.
) D* J; A, P, P1 o3 |+ K1 }> >
- @! R5 U8 N$ p4 e> > Holiday Days! e3 x$ }' ?) A/ ?! {
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
& y$ s, x. F0 A" o/ X% j> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.0 |" r0 {7 F0 Z" i3 ?: r" ?1 B/ Q
> >
. j' `1 Z* |  F> > Compassionate Leave
$ q* s" m$ g: Z# N! H% Y> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
4 r& w7 h/ ~7 z6 ~+ w  Y" P> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-( A8 f! w8 c, f/ F
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-& \' M2 b! k8 d5 y0 h+ v
> > employees attend to the arrangements.  F4 C5 f3 L2 n: c' c
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
) b. ~  A6 t& P3 p2 W1 }6 B! q> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the' \, E) z" i  h* r
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
$ H  Q7 h& M; A" t7 S& U> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
, m1 Q: U5 c1 L" ~4 C+ |> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use6 n  y" |+ [% C- u; Q3 }
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the+ O8 E4 Q8 v  f  X
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
9 g- D) F2 r$ N2 Q: F6 t$ n> > in the cubicles.0 j7 O1 v7 o0 i  @" a
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will" V2 e5 V, H. K4 }9 H
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
8 j$ Y/ B8 g% d) X) A2 \> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
, ?6 s1 q$ a0 E  ~9 B4 M> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be* T! r1 i( R3 q- L2 j
> > posted on the company notice board under the3 o' E  T+ q+ Z# S$ ~% c+ |
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.+ M6 {" v2 M0 _8 a5 J% o( {/ i
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be# X4 t3 |6 W0 C/ i& C
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health+ P, v+ i& g$ l# h
> > policy.
5 ~: N( f: P' f# u. z> >9 [. u% z% }& e, F  [3 k* V
> > Lunch Break( Z' v+ F, _0 T2 K) ]2 _
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
6 z$ |9 C" m; S7 ?> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.; [" j9 [6 Y1 U2 W
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to4 w* _5 X2 f! W% q
> > maintain their average figure.
5 l% }3 J/ a: V3 ?0 C) t+ y> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time: h0 l+ t5 J; R+ L6 Y; }0 ?- Q2 }& M
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
+ K1 N% y( F4 r: f- m6 ]> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are8 }. o9 j$ I7 A! g, n
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
  a) @7 U" s: g+ u1 y6 C. W> > employment experience." a/ Q' m; ]: s7 s- g6 L  S( K
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,5 y: F2 k. K0 l% G; @
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
' e" F. w- Z& F: t- C/ h( X0 X> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
, \6 W+ d$ S7 b5 J& G/ P> > directed elsewhere.