HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
; ~  _" N; Q6 I# q* n- X> >                     Effective January 20076 |+ [8 S$ N; b6 R6 a: n5 v
> >
; b  G* b  H; t  d% w) t; n> > Dress Code2 S' n( v/ P6 f
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
6 s4 l" t8 N  a0 ?# F: Y) V/ G( g> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing/ Z0 T2 @9 A, x, r7 B/ x+ p
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
( l- @" q' w. Q$ O> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
% ^( b9 b( d2 s6 E% M> > need a pay raise.
" `$ A, I$ L& D" b> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
; g8 j) V; Y$ s) ~4 O& T# K" @; Q9 T1 [> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer# U+ c6 P* v/ c7 d9 B
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
) B  g' b5 a# y4 ~9 a* g> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you: A5 G# p0 j& Y' W- S# V" ]
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay7 W% g$ W/ d) D2 b# E8 H- a3 F
> > raise.9 d/ K0 [; P' a
> >% o! Y- C9 p. k
> > Sick Days# I( L7 t$ O! b/ u1 }: }1 l
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
9 y& d- A' E2 Q: n& |- S> > proof of sickness.
  {: n, c  i5 ^2 A; q. d> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able1 D/ p7 }, u1 i; W# I  I9 h- V
> > to come to work.& x: X4 H2 Z/ k; q+ V. a8 K; {
> >
" D7 Y! t3 i2 t; I> > Holiday Days0 p9 R1 ^6 r& v. M* X( [# e
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a' p" ~: r) I) z: r
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.. |' E7 f5 T6 n" C/ N
> >
+ v1 K! h  Y. [, V- U' q> > Compassionate Leave
# N; V# a# E* g- a) Y2 p" K! }  ?& `' K> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
* h: F2 W! T) a* |" L# x> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
9 v2 `( _) z, e' Q* E> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
( n0 }1 d  C- k0 ~6 D> > employees attend to the arrangements.
0 Z' s3 b  \: `' n7 T> > In rare cases where employee involvement is6 G& l( F( k4 N3 `. }& {
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
& H5 [) c- ]" v# {- b( N) x5 j0 T> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work, C& x) T/ P  i/ J1 T  ^# i* h% O
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one8 x* V3 u1 S8 e. r+ W, Y! ]' l
> > hour early.
% r; t: P3 R, I% |- e) Y> >
& @( I  e  g" H0 Z7 ?> > Toilet Use
' y. F! `& k  i7 D7 l# B- n8 D> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the2 x6 r6 n" p$ a2 n- o" i
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit0 X; }2 i! y' ^( h; k  o
> > in the cubicles.
7 }! b5 [0 p2 \7 |% g6 I9 d" W> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
: @1 J8 d5 g/ W( {* n4 i> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle6 K+ [0 d) V! A
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
. F6 Y. L7 l5 p+ g8 C, `> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
! Y" K/ a: C# n, ?> > posted on the company notice board under the1 X. d( `; I+ o' u, I7 Y; W, U
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.2 U7 j8 i) l9 \4 k
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
7 n! U7 q2 n! e) m* `> > sanctioned under the company's mental health$ \2 N9 r2 I6 S3 Z! M
> > policy.
# ?6 r( q* O5 |  b> >3 B; C8 L! D% R, w/ V  u
> > Lunch Break3 Y6 |% C& N. ^) A: n6 _- G" `! q
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they- Z# I7 F4 l& F8 x# Z8 L8 J
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.) v4 |% F! d. [7 G
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to$ s& z6 f) k  c. W) o* P3 W: ]
> > maintain their average figure.
& I8 a, G% `/ l, U* m> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
* w6 S/ r' i' y$ b> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.3 m1 T: K+ X, ?
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
7 F" w. b$ x4 Q: u. {> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive( S' x0 y2 ^/ s7 q. I
> > employment experience./ E5 s+ z- ], j
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,4 Q9 ]! a8 x' k! D* T; f
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
# V" \) \& n0 n$ e! I( t, T> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be" B* `2 f& U  a& c2 |2 s2 l- m
> > directed elsewhere.