HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
/ W: c" |8 S, u9 L. k8 a# q; Y> >                     Effective January 2007
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2 v( T& l$ ~- F) @" R- V! Z2 T% `0 d> > Dress Code7 `2 E+ g0 J. X" J3 t$ |% S
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed  Y) ^* G, X2 q+ N$ s
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing9 m  C, C1 ?" a6 `
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume' W+ b+ m: V% v; _2 H# b
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not* K$ s- G4 @* K+ N
> > need a pay raise.& @" J- x  ~8 J( K4 p; k+ V
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage5 ?* ~' s: X% ^6 u
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
% P) @. l5 L5 A& e> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.( ~* v" u1 K4 c; l
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
. R$ U* |# T; L/ [, h' |> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
  ]2 J8 D( p/ O> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
6 ^  K9 T$ h/ y> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as9 _" f  Q& \2 X7 t% P. t% T6 v
> > proof of sickness.0 I: F0 e5 x3 b
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able7 b$ R4 b& [* w4 I8 R& N
> > to come to work.
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3 W9 y: q; \: j9 Z6 A0 z> > Holiday Days# K+ o8 T; B; g& B0 D( c
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a  A- I( H1 K: ?/ C/ Q% x* k( X
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.% G7 {$ I/ h1 B. X% X& h
> >
8 W) D7 x/ S9 M/ v+ M" [8 m+ l# ?6 |> > Compassionate Leave- R9 z9 i2 x$ c7 z# @, z% l5 J
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
8 S) Q: I% F4 h7 v. [  o> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-7 s; C- W& e4 Y3 B& a9 g
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-1 U5 q+ l+ @- g' m5 C
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
* D* }6 X* m$ X1 l> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
, J4 `4 O8 f7 |; E0 V1 X% v> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
0 v% y7 Y$ v) |4 x  g+ r; f; M0 {  a$ Y> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
0 j8 C7 z) N' Z: _% h& x9 C> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
" T. `0 C2 V/ [' j> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use
( e+ d) s9 v" p- T5 K> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
2 h4 ?' E1 g; e  l> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit! {% Z: ^5 q. y
> > in the cubicles.5 z  z% W5 ~: J, W) w
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
# _" D: ?0 y; \* Y9 p& b> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle- k; v6 R  c7 ~6 \
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.7 _( r& ?3 v3 L. `0 m4 V6 T( \$ v
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be8 g% S' a5 i0 B- a
> > posted on the company notice board under the
' K# |" Z& ^5 q7 n: N, M> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
0 k- z  Q9 L9 Y/ l5 t> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
" a+ C9 N' P- d  X% y> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
- W) l* L  P  w# T> > policy.
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* m1 p& E& p8 c3 L8 A> > Lunch Break
# P. b! p6 i7 b4 I; F" A. |) P> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they  O( i! n* m6 N' o) O6 y9 i+ l% U
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.* M) z* q" @3 m  X, M
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to* h4 B6 K3 k- }5 Z9 k
> > maintain their average figure.1 Q# }; _3 X0 b2 z+ g
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
0 n$ w1 D3 T5 \8 z6 b2 Y7 t% c0 B> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
* D# C+ e4 _( }8 x. f. Z& O' T> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are- q7 k% k, I& \5 z( E$ t! s
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
4 T" F! Q# t4 Y3 `> > employment experience.3 Z$ B6 u: n2 [5 y+ e7 c; a
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints," W) |0 x1 C' Y& I- ~
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,* j3 F, Z4 c4 N) V
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
  x; t' }% v7 |. m9 P! N> > directed elsewhere.