HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
3 k8 g7 Q, g) Y; `! b& v' K> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code; a* I- B: \) m3 c& y% O  ]: v' x! J/ w
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed5 u; u4 y) X5 S/ i6 t
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing  G# t5 u( Q/ x$ O7 I
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume4 F& K5 ]1 R. d
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not- H& K& `1 s6 Q$ W9 \  i8 o
> > need a pay raise.
" ~: V: K2 Y" i* U> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage' R. z, ]. e% Z4 a4 g1 D3 _0 m% a
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
! |! \/ p* ~* r( J& p0 j& B> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
" o7 _6 \6 ?% f$ H5 B> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
  O! E; Z: P8 c. |> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
0 w+ |1 C8 q, x2 h  c( d> > raise.0 o* X/ {8 F6 I, s
> >
) k' A- U$ t* Q$ f5 ~, p" q8 y> > Sick Days
9 N; @4 l, s" g7 r; `& s> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
- I" y2 E. X% ?3 \) C* @> > proof of sickness.
/ o+ y7 q: J: q' o' ^7 F> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
% n6 R) h$ j* K! T- e9 k> > to come to work.9 ]. q6 ?* u+ G6 b. R
> >7 N" u3 E9 q8 ]/ D
> > Holiday Days- n( I9 B% L+ w+ A! y, m
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
$ g; X' D$ `& _" z> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.5 H: s& w8 q5 O% C/ g
> >
- U* n/ a% V# q4 l1 T6 a, o> > Compassionate Leave
: c  j+ Q/ I# t" G. F5 Y* f> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing# k! B1 `  J: h$ o/ ?" M# n% p
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-% j  y5 E3 ]8 g8 m* I* f  p* _  ?
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
  o! b/ I& B5 k- G4 h> > employees attend to the arrangements.; g" v, w0 y2 y
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is8 I; L" E" z+ m! U% C0 G
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
! z+ Q) g$ y- c( z8 }7 |, F> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work9 K4 O& J: B3 i/ Z* \
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one9 K* ^5 n7 }0 a  l
> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use
$ }4 p! ~0 r* C& ~7 c> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the2 V- H2 X1 [: r! N) ]9 q
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
" J; o/ l4 ?- k( X- J) D> > in the cubicles.$ T- y3 |/ r8 ~$ }- _0 e
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
2 N# S! v( f- N1 R9 ^0 N2 n; v3 L> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle- e; k( F0 N  p+ }( x, ]
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.8 I9 u7 K& q, j8 c$ L# f& E
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be2 r+ m6 I  {, z" I# H
> > posted on the company notice board under the
/ b& n. ^& }6 [3 K> > "Chronic Offenders" category.1 H  y5 W& X1 Y
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be" {5 \- ?; O' E: ]
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health2 l7 X1 P- P# Y# Q' y
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break
- a4 c9 k( _; S8 a! h> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
# G* [8 r, v! m+ A: n& u> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.0 n: D: |& i5 |& ^3 R8 ~
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
* Y0 P' B0 }( f  g' a& H7 r0 C) W" n6 J$ b> > maintain their average figure.
; g/ @& j/ P- E3 e, v! R* u> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
! d# Y2 j: g& x  Z3 c) T2 U0 t> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.8 T! S/ ^' @4 G* v  ^; \; h# m% A. \1 V
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are+ ~+ F9 q9 B) i6 m
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive: ^/ E1 k) T/ G3 O4 X1 l9 F5 _
> > employment experience.
$ R9 O! P% X' h7 r8 I> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
. }  F& p1 `) w: }) ~7 |  j- q> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,5 K- k' P5 ~3 l$ R9 R. S2 s
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be: f) L* _% a! z6 W) b
> > directed elsewhere.