HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
9 ]7 g; i6 s" |2 k7 h/ I* }> >                     Effective January 20070 ~& G$ ?! U& e) v+ r  |" {, i% b
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> > Dress Code) K3 E) N9 R1 r8 {% G( [
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
& I- [" M3 t- a+ `& O2 X3 V> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
' j' H2 z+ m  @& v6 @) s. o> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
# E& t6 _' }' l/ ^> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
$ d3 s0 k* E6 p4 K> > need a pay raise.2 {( r) ^- [5 C; r+ }1 O
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
. |2 C1 a& ~& C8 [/ D> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer6 s4 b1 V* r8 y; j' Z
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
& {( n8 {* o1 Y7 R3 m+ D7 d! X> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
0 Q0 U' M& g- e# y0 A' @> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
/ @9 j  V. ~0 l& `$ h> > raise.
1 I3 L6 H/ @8 M: f! o( j( H> >
5 w! |, I2 ?: n. c- h> > Sick Days, ]9 B9 N3 @0 f4 `/ p( P, k, v
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
$ s: A) Y( p5 x6 J> > proof of sickness.
2 E9 {% m/ }" Q8 H/ S& O> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
/ l; D7 V- d8 {2 M* D; G> > to come to work.* g3 M3 j& j( i2 {, C" e' R" b; \0 J
> >
6 n/ Z' Z  u. \; E% ?> > Holiday Days
$ Y# F+ {8 E* Q- d# U> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
: L7 d# q! W9 |  ]( |: C1 ~9 |> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.) Y3 W! K; f- v6 e9 p% P. ]
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> > Compassionate Leave$ N0 w$ X) A4 U8 j5 ^3 y
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
* h3 N% o" n, U# d# b> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-' S, G* h3 y- n9 Z
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-4 V( e3 R( ^9 Z1 ~8 H9 O8 N
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
  y2 v- `; F7 T5 E6 e* d& p7 D> > In rare cases where employee involvement is5 i3 T, y; z* G; m. h  V4 r2 c
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
7 V5 @) u2 ]+ i/ r& m( ^> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
) A6 X" g- j  T, O  l& Z: G> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
2 }2 _; _" F: ?0 M/ Y, Q, y4 y> > hour early./ s, d6 }& S- |/ G
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> > Toilet Use
' ]) A2 N+ D# j0 s7 j' _> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
8 U  `2 V' P9 Z) v( ]> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
. b$ q( P! I( d$ b2 Y2 q; D> > in the cubicles.
2 h- k  o% l: J! D% ?> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will. d( c/ i- Q* m2 L/ Z9 p
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle$ }' X0 w$ u! k$ e
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
7 y3 D% Z2 T9 \" [( C: h> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
, b% R, _" K, z" Q1 g* R3 Q> > posted on the company notice board under the
) O' W' ]; }/ |" ]> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
; ?! A. N. G6 @> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
5 _2 B# j4 _2 r& t) k: R> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
5 Z8 L* t9 K0 n5 H> > policy.1 {8 {& D; i1 J" A! i
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> > Lunch Break% m+ I  C% l0 W
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they$ g) G: b# D4 o+ V% v3 I* W
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.3 p$ X! l- A# Z5 Q% `- u& C$ I
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to2 R( Q, w( N8 Q2 D* \  o/ N: o# K
> > maintain their average figure.) z9 g& z1 w6 E; _9 Q( \: P
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time: x2 @( s' q5 k6 B
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
) B7 [9 V7 g9 F& w& Q3 T" @> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
: ]# e2 g4 l& z. T$ j( T! ~4 N> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
; X7 f6 C0 r* q" x* @6 h" C> > employment experience.; K7 a8 ^2 [' N
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
" `, z4 L2 _; l0 j# g> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,9 b0 J$ b* N$ b- t  G& V
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be0 c0 B: [. z: S+ t2 F
> > directed elsewhere.