HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
# e( V0 G* a" _8 _8 E8 F> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code& c+ c& a  o8 ]. |' @
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
! t3 m' D" u" h$ ?> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
( i- E( C3 T7 x> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
! u4 d1 a0 D# C> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not8 H& _  U2 C" b6 ^. a# w* i
> > need a pay raise.+ U( t1 s; R4 G# G, a
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
& Q' Q+ w; ?; \2 H> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
) v  m3 ~+ [* h! i5 @6 ?( x> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
, \6 z0 J6 }. B( L5 T6 }+ b1 V> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you5 X3 d- K9 B: I! m" y
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
+ ~+ p: D& y! C8 {% m7 \> > raise.% d6 ~, S/ S- q6 o% T8 f% A6 V- w
> >! H/ e, v) p1 [4 Q7 m% C
> > Sick Days
, |- _6 s' h, O; \, A> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
3 l+ F5 R  ^9 O) z1 C> > proof of sickness./ ?; Z  h5 d$ `; W8 M# q
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
/ \) m/ D! G! W8 G> > to come to work.
7 W4 a5 p+ q2 J7 ?& Y> >
& _7 _: k$ t) Y> > Holiday Days" u1 p3 T+ v( A
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a) S, a- b% k& p, N% {
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
- e* D  @, _( s- h% [> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
; `! e* j+ u/ b: e% t8 V> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
) _* ^! s" `: E* s0 _1 i> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
+ |1 m% m( D7 b  x4 d6 K> > employees attend to the arrangements.( C: e6 M/ q8 \
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is5 c+ R( [. J" a. Y
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
$ L  v" Y. v4 ~: x* i1 I/ r> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work+ b4 x" ?. W# M
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
7 }* A+ n3 b6 U4 u3 z) Y* M2 @1 D> > hour early.+ r- l) @; h" h( \  e4 F( n) ~
> >$ u* Y9 X0 `* e, B
> > Toilet Use
& O$ J. G- G" j4 }% d> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
( j/ S9 r! w6 J4 U2 l8 S! u  O> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
6 Z6 B' K9 v, O+ r  B. h) R  T> > in the cubicles.
  c) F! p' E) [, R> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will# C6 E0 Y4 l: s, V5 z" `
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle$ u  k+ K, s- A2 B
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
8 A9 J% n& @# h. P> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be+ Q1 u. z4 z7 s1 M" @& ~
> > posted on the company notice board under the: }6 [4 p4 M( X3 X3 e  z7 n
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.; \0 ^. Y: ^( A/ `* f+ j
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be2 B0 p. W# e8 P- s' a
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health$ u! s/ s: z9 `1 M( t
> > policy.% Q  b. y% _& }! D
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> > Lunch Break1 X+ K7 ^: U$ L  D2 P
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they' V2 g' r  M. d( s' f- v8 U
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2 W& z" V8 s" {# W. ?' P/ V! W4 V0 G> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
& M2 l0 M8 \, p2 ^  _7 T2 N" H/ |> > maintain their average figure.
" G8 D! j1 ?1 L0 A  S1 X> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
4 w% u; A1 H- O6 ?0 U> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
& h/ Y' o& L  M5 G$ L. \> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
4 I3 Y. K# G/ i* `* E3 X> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
& L* J8 s+ G5 i8 _> > employment experience.+ c  R: K' y0 d3 p
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,0 }, o; x2 W" T  x1 i+ b. O
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
+ y* \( |3 I) O, E' a0 m> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
8 B; s/ X' n9 l8 G+ M8 l6 l6 s; w0 c> > directed elsewhere.