HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:9 N  H5 U. w+ @% B  \3 ~& ]9 L
> >                     Effective January 2007
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* u7 q) G/ ^- E% @* O) i> > Dress Code
6 s) C9 w9 d$ {* v) w- y6 ~> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed$ p4 T; t0 |% E3 L$ a
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing: z; G1 `1 z" Q3 C3 }0 N
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
2 T) j% j. H3 W+ X* ?' {> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not7 S8 E& z3 r8 T
> > need a pay raise.
7 G. D2 v  [, ^* Z* r> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
) R  m" P+ i9 J> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer& Z1 S5 J; i7 I0 I; M! X9 _
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
: F2 H2 o7 m0 t1 ^! S! P, C# K> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
+ k+ h+ @( c  I+ e* C; e7 _  L) H> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay+ Z0 k+ m- K; i$ ^; {
> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
8 f" s9 e/ C' U3 r9 G4 O- Z) ?; L> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
; H# U( a' P9 z! |7 ?> > proof of sickness.8 q( s* H" @# ]  h& p
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able- A" e5 \  X* l' r( H  j
> > to come to work.
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* U: A9 ]1 e; y) |> > Holiday Days' \6 T& y$ I6 ^/ X' f+ l/ r) U
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a& X$ o7 k  c/ e* k5 F
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave" O  K7 \% [- Q
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing/ F7 }, ], d' w) H* a4 ^
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-7 U! S! `! d: u& c9 k  N( {: L
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-6 f/ _: k$ g0 ~; g
> > employees attend to the arrangements.% e1 {, _) C/ }7 B. Y
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is. _: z  X) Y1 h, Y
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the9 Y- {' o5 t+ J+ U' A- V4 b! @
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
; D. Z: b8 @2 e3 G0 y5 k> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one" r* f. w3 T6 T0 D
> > hour early.
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# P' o2 Z5 {- K% B4 d+ G. f> > Toilet Use
0 V) v( o9 N8 Z) ^> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
+ }. f( W2 {& V+ J* t7 {# l> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit; p+ L4 [4 D5 t0 C& j
> > in the cubicles.8 ?' R; i# |9 Y: u) O6 C! {+ H
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will* X$ i4 ]) H4 b' |* S* j
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle/ A& A3 o, U! p/ I; J3 ]
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
, |( _/ n9 V) Y! J9 b( W> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
+ U5 a; a& o/ J: ]% O. d: B9 L> > posted on the company notice board under the. J; b- r; |5 |% l4 e$ k
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
, `7 F' U) u/ ]3 b" Y" u> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
% Z; |; f% J8 b+ k> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
7 ^1 U4 l0 E0 c2 x& q# J! s2 D- C> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break
1 `% \  j9 Q* g+ m; B> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they3 u/ X- f1 n! b( t4 [: n) ]
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.1 O' I3 L& ]  T, p8 ~2 f$ h
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to3 }$ v" r0 o+ ~* U. I% [/ c5 d' f- G
> > maintain their average figure.
7 |/ H) y& S; Y' q1 T> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time* o+ n$ V& }$ L/ D2 v4 T4 ]
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
7 p5 R( m3 A1 i' Y0 ]* u/ l1 b> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are0 n3 O1 d1 Z9 Q9 b% ^  U
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive4 \7 I' a1 r% s6 @) a
> > employment experience.
8 O+ O! i$ }2 s$ W- e: b" S" V> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,, g' A6 Q" l& i! ?! |7 F
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,2 j6 H- a' `8 B) C
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be" J% j/ _0 W+ W& D7 @# N
> > directed elsewhere.