HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
5 l) v6 e1 i/ k6 y4 t  ]. Z> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
- w# U2 F) q0 X' C) p  ?> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
8 r& ^( x, B+ E" D> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
6 D8 K" j9 K; @2 T% ?. p& o* y; i> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
1 ^3 |5 Y& f/ X1 ]0 w% S/ f' ?> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
8 v9 a# F% y. s8 E+ |0 p4 ?" T+ z> > need a pay raise.
9 Q  E. |4 M( I# O/ f" I> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
7 D- p7 d. X+ q5 @5 Q> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer& e( Y7 b  v, M: n5 j3 C4 c
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
& F' W7 D1 b$ v; }  r3 ]( R/ W+ _> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
* p4 I& I* L- J# o% |> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
' w. X1 f" i8 s6 n1 d4 L> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
8 Q3 u; {- k; W) _  s5 k> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
$ t! V- ]( p4 G/ }+ S> > proof of sickness.9 e( b% U4 x5 C: O5 @6 B
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able0 P1 S8 y2 T& s$ Q3 `! v+ ^8 T, W
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days
- Q. P5 R( w, u5 x> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a5 C* _; L7 j" t& z; X
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
' d$ [, g( A9 A9 o: r+ w2 ?7 A> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing4 f8 j0 p% C3 {! j
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-$ w4 N( x6 f2 P( V, h0 U
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-6 C& y$ H9 p1 C) H, p8 m: h8 r) d
> > employees attend to the arrangements.% B" g) B& S2 C1 i
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is" d# ]) H; j1 G+ t& V5 s. i) O
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the! O, \7 z4 T7 a6 a( n1 G
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
& ?8 U  L+ m0 y4 h> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one7 g3 e7 g% Y6 f' {* d* G* y6 z
> > hour early.6 Z( D" A3 ]% R' e
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> > Toilet Use
* i+ [3 @; N5 `; z> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the2 s4 E1 y" B4 T4 ]( `+ ]+ Y
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
& R; _9 |' G. X- {+ S. t; P# i6 w> > in the cubicles., h+ A; L2 W# b. q1 Q$ f0 Y
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
9 s7 Z$ `+ ~$ q; I> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle% [3 U% f  g8 h# D( [
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.- n, A6 s( S0 G5 V
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
4 s: b4 }2 }+ t' ~; _! r> > posted on the company notice board under the0 Q; _2 B/ |7 n; x
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.9 v% {# r  w0 i
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
, E, f4 L4 P/ U> > sanctioned under the company's mental health/ i5 z- P& u: P
> > policy.
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# _0 W0 p! y; O* m$ Y3 |5 T> > Lunch Break
' R" J+ D# I" U0 q1 G& l/ [> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
: x) j1 h1 j! v' e> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.! E6 P' X+ ^( S) u: Y# b
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to- c& U0 C3 A* \% [; ?
> > maintain their average figure.6 @8 Y; _. k, A) O  n
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time1 c* f7 [8 g! C% Q
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
& T  V! o/ d1 T9 Z0 f9 Y- q( G3 ^4 A> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are9 K) l# i! ?! B
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive+ D" g# L& J3 P. I: C5 A
> > employment experience.! y" o, N. j8 [; U" j/ \4 n7 L9 f
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
/ ?' w* Y  e% d: f9 s% u6 U( P0 j$ A$ Z+ w> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,# {, {! g* W6 A- v) C
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
( ]5 Y9 h, X& R9 k# T6 w> > directed elsewhere.