HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:" X3 k' O3 m# n" S9 ]3 g3 K
> >                     Effective January 2007
, x1 H8 M% C6 ]> >
8 v- ~1 I& |3 Q- D  Y# `> > Dress Code
1 j# {) P/ C$ [6 h5 {$ e> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
6 @: l+ A( R* k1 M" R; k> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
8 `  C! M/ I5 y> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
% V! ~( ~1 q" {* C> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not) X$ b1 Y6 u1 K1 j( ?" {: f" B' x5 ^9 @
> > need a pay raise.
! w/ W7 f! x" @3 e( s- o> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage: u% x" h- b- n8 y0 c' C2 m& i+ ^- Q
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
3 g& }: o' w5 [& Y& }3 _* a> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.0 [  V. q/ w3 y0 i) f, g
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
( E8 G' T0 a- Z, B8 S* m  q> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
0 }. H8 o8 n. E$ b! s> > raise.1 |% d! [3 {2 ~9 M1 n- Z3 `
> >6 {7 _5 u  |1 y% \2 i( y9 w3 }
> > Sick Days6 t& C1 @! D" f
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
! A  [4 ~5 h8 ^  [' H> > proof of sickness.6 }( \+ }2 G6 ~
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
9 i1 y, D  I3 L: y' y> > to come to work.
7 r$ S. y  R) U1 X/ q: f> >, ?/ t2 I7 i8 D. g) y
> > Holiday Days
! R/ o* B% j4 @+ b6 }> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
, ]) V; Y3 n0 A2 f$ t5 I> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
" T" l% j% ~$ |/ z# D/ b> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
- |# F9 x+ _2 u# J> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
1 X1 [- ]; r7 r3 C. A> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
0 q7 M% p1 O2 C/ x. m7 X6 _> > employees attend to the arrangements.
' |; j! P, Q( @% `0 u8 C> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
; T0 Q5 C$ w, U9 i7 F; n> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
$ z5 v" A0 [0 _, ~. l% Z> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work4 R; C  i( x  L
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
" V: V9 w3 I  }7 c" T4 i& S/ h> > hour early.8 l6 ]- ~) ~  m5 b' p
> >
- \4 {* W, t/ X2 x& m> > Toilet Use) g6 v& n1 u+ v; r* \
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the/ t0 b; t  O% D, `
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
  R  Y& \% [6 Y( o> > in the cubicles.. x, }* X8 G9 M# p' [
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will; {7 \% o4 r- N4 i
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
/ q- s8 v' X( }* c> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
  ?, p9 o. n, A" b, j* D> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
2 T1 b' l& G8 p( r3 G  c1 h/ p( n> > posted on the company notice board under the
, b0 @) p2 e. U9 y8 Y> > "Chronic Offenders" category.9 _( ?3 N% Z1 i4 P. I
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be7 C% e6 h& O# S8 _0 P7 t
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health! y6 D& l7 o" ^3 @* _5 p" g3 o
> > policy.
  ]4 w' E; [) _2 r% j> >8 `# n% k6 k+ s4 p/ f' }* o; o
> > Lunch Break
! Z4 B% K9 M; Q> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they  k6 R2 h/ U& A/ R
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.- L8 |5 b, p, G, |  Q9 t- D6 R
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
6 w0 V+ j% U2 d: b' c> > maintain their average figure.
7 {* [  U0 }8 m4 D> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
" @* c/ h& h9 @2 ^. v" x- b. S: ]> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.: x# H4 o% g  h) x  [
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
9 @7 o" d- B# U$ e9 A0 [6 p> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive3 C$ s9 D4 z0 ?9 j2 S
> > employment experience.& s5 P  a( X4 [6 y7 a0 W
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,1 ~$ q8 Y5 o/ f: n
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
( n! R6 {) C- ]> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
7 [0 n: i0 U% f8 O> > directed elsewhere.