HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
5 K! ~2 J2 d( |2 H' B> >                     Effective January 2007' ?8 A: F7 r  O- w
> >6 M% v( j/ Z* y: c5 G& g- _
> > Dress Code; h. s9 i" e2 v- T( O$ N1 r9 N
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
- ]1 `  R0 W" v. X, v+ I) v> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing& F! M, O- ~' A9 z- o9 o2 j# I
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
5 W7 g& u. e* b" |8 N' h> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
5 C, A/ i5 B' J; ^9 L> > need a pay raise.& D! d- G8 D" c2 f  _1 v
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage6 K6 C, v4 u5 s) f7 I2 W
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
' f; Q6 s0 i* s1 ]0 ?> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.4 n0 z) g  E9 Q
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
' {+ v" {) Z+ a2 x9 I: j> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
6 ?- Y( T; x/ p: y" [& |> > raise.8 C4 m7 x4 [% ~& \4 j# L( f
> >4 o5 t. ], S/ P# G; g
> > Sick Days
# q& T, W1 L; G> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
! w' l7 Q$ ?1 E7 |> > proof of sickness.4 ^. r0 \: U+ M9 v4 i1 j
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able$ f! m6 a) {: F4 N  D1 K# y
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days( m6 w; l' }/ f. o7 Y1 h
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a& }; M2 d. F' X: x! K8 \( z
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
* _4 Q" S4 W/ ~- t  K> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
: ?5 X! u! g) n" t; m> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
/ X" G) b* n2 B> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
3 \: L6 j$ v) x) P" M> > employees attend to the arrangements.
2 E% q+ i# I9 e6 F1 k7 a> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
' N8 H) Z3 F' n4 @( F> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
; ^$ |5 O# P$ f1 g- }> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
) B9 X# N( J/ u" W. r( p> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
5 a7 @7 {5 r- Y6 Q% l" J9 T! y7 {> > hour early.* y5 s" y5 @2 E" w3 K3 {- B$ L3 P3 R
> >" N& u0 }3 X; Y
> > Toilet Use
3 Q. R+ U/ a) m4 O> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
3 G) N! ^2 i/ x. g/ e> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
9 F5 H# \6 i. G2 [! J$ F  i> > in the cubicles.
! e* m2 N7 r3 k1 X: g> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
( |7 c  j5 v/ u" s% @' d3 \' T> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle% I3 e" V7 _9 `& h+ i
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
, Y% f4 L& m" n  |  v7 U; ]> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be7 ]. r2 _3 s9 E
> > posted on the company notice board under the) @' X! X4 D* P2 d6 D
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
: ^4 h9 ~: \0 U  ~+ `$ [! ]& s> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be$ ?8 _8 s5 u) B$ A0 B8 ~
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
1 y9 t$ v# K7 q+ S8 ~# `> > policy.& ?  u; }" F. c+ t
> >. [9 _* ?6 h5 m4 N, |; r
> > Lunch Break
" M) U+ c: Q1 ~  S7 q> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they: c( S. L5 v5 f
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.  R. [7 L& g2 s2 |* O
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
0 V1 e* R  }6 ]; w$ P  d2 D> > maintain their average figure.
. p# _# d: H5 \( [0 j> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
1 A+ P( a8 W8 J5 W8 ]' E> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
4 |( I& k2 g8 Z: _2 |: j> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are, \8 h# @, N; }
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
5 z. C& s0 [. x. k) R* L) [> > employment experience.6 X" [2 @2 q5 g6 v% ~) z! o
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
- V' o' l7 {# Q) K> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
, O5 w! _0 D3 e9 b, I> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be( _, l3 {4 L- i1 G/ I, G
> > directed elsewhere.