HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
: S9 J) C* n9 Y, T( W4 E> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code: m$ x: Q' d& P" m( R  U
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
2 `8 J* O% K: n0 h$ D- g> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
( Y$ v4 e$ t  ]& o5 U- N: |; X> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume; l+ k( p, B. _* J( H" r
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
- U" A) L  G( G2 c> > need a pay raise.
  b& _/ g, Q) Z* D0 v" l, C> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
3 H  P% Y0 d# n( T( \, b> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer' t/ {" L. {( K! k2 G6 q4 ?3 s
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
0 s4 E1 x- Z" h# P> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you; O/ ~) |3 o5 t
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
% A6 z$ S" e4 ]% q- k- @9 j* n  f% B> > raise.
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> > Sick Days, h# O+ w# j: j. q0 m# ^
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
# K( c; {6 W4 K9 I. ^" P+ S# s> > proof of sickness.
3 k0 Z, R+ R' j/ S$ u6 _> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able2 F0 n' t" _3 l* N1 z7 z/ w* |% f8 l
> > to come to work.' u4 L% ^- u$ [8 A9 `6 N
> >
4 N# `0 |5 s2 w3 `> > Holiday Days
& ?+ e9 l6 Q1 U" c" P  ~. b> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
6 \1 g6 L$ l, l9 Z7 h- t* f2 r: \4 v8 Q> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave, r5 |/ B" {0 ~2 [. J+ Y: A5 E, X: S; X
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
  o9 |5 f0 N& ~* b7 U> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-0 w7 K" \3 B( Y+ a
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
  c7 M" W+ w: A' H% B6 ]> > employees attend to the arrangements.1 X$ f0 v' A/ Q! E8 N/ r
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is0 N& l% N+ d7 F8 I4 e8 U8 B( p
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
# t6 a* n5 D2 ?! ?> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work( l2 N2 \% j( H/ o# s
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one& r* P3 E3 F; m& q3 a
> > hour early.9 P' ~$ @$ K( B0 K* q5 Q2 ?) A
> >9 K0 z: J8 Y! E6 M2 F# }
> > Toilet Use
' N! a1 H0 @* x" Z> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the3 l* c4 A! D& R5 d8 H# V
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit: ?8 N' z& P0 s1 E* c1 L  @; [
> > in the cubicles.! D& U! y* @4 l
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
3 O5 B) V! h4 B1 \& k> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
+ F! e+ I, q2 }. {> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
; e. {% c/ A4 Q8 I  e: c3 o, }0 Y% s> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be" t) S/ ~$ F2 Y& q5 c% }1 j. u
> > posted on the company notice board under the0 V8 Q: w4 O7 Y4 p' z
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
4 j7 y9 @) K$ A7 f> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be! X/ P2 Q2 d8 ], c% f6 Z! W1 M
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
, N1 u2 I$ N( P% A6 t> > policy.. F: O% x" F3 _' r. l' m4 U
> >
  ]3 I! O( u: @5 y. h> > Lunch Break/ o* |8 u& u2 m4 m9 t' A7 V
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they3 }1 s( Z$ g& C9 _, q# F
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
$ b9 J# z# G. Z+ H" O% H) t> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
- s7 f$ W, ^3 v5 S6 k2 k> > maintain their average figure.
8 \3 j* B( m2 }+ _( [& k2 f5 H. n7 P> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time& R! `# y8 T& N7 |1 T- ?/ `
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.+ q/ G' a+ R/ G/ p( Q  V; O
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
( J' D- d' G3 @# N: e" l> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
' ~# }5 e6 U" N8 u1 R> > employment experience.
" z# |3 [9 H  S5 |' C& g# {9 t> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,/ O! h- Y, _; ]! h
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,5 d2 M* }0 f5 O* q4 l1 N( r
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
# V) l! N1 I" [$ D  x> > directed elsewhere.