HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
0 s0 @+ {# n& J$ `> >                     Effective January 20072 g6 S# W- J' t
> >
" f9 p4 |- [. j- O: t, E4 x4 v> > Dress Code" \! }. v7 ?0 i2 p9 U& V3 b
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
, D/ Y9 g' U& I- f6 e! x9 v) u0 y> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
, v4 d/ i& ^, ?> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
2 e0 I7 b  K1 x4 R> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not* d3 ]8 j# K; q! w& S) h1 @3 x
> > need a pay raise.
+ ]; ^3 I" P; {" E> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage6 ]3 C3 Z5 X( ?
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
; `3 \% U4 h6 H! `3 t. u, E> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.7 P6 c, I1 }4 u9 W% p
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you& i* O/ q6 C3 I( y
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay3 b" K# Y% |0 g, L0 [5 R4 D: [2 s) ^
> > raise.3 J: J; ]. N, [" \
> >  X. V% W; N5 {, K" w: A9 |  T
> > Sick Days& q) m% z! Y; L0 c* i3 C( c2 f) z
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as, K  q" V2 C! {. }
> > proof of sickness.+ F+ D% ?5 L+ U5 O* C; ^
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
* T* }: x* [+ z2 g% F% m> > to come to work.7 v3 L- R& t3 k4 _8 Z( w1 s
> >+ @4 a# Z& K  A( I5 w4 }. J) t6 U
> > Holiday Days4 k# W7 w* h  H6 K" V, f5 ~
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a8 ~* Y+ x0 e: r
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.( G* N0 n' B$ J" w& D3 L$ z
> >8 ~9 e$ }0 f- s# Z( Z" D
> > Compassionate Leave
& D3 h8 i) k1 k, r2 r> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing% [1 h% _- f9 Z: n7 d
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-% l+ V; b8 |3 i; w. L+ @2 y1 x0 X
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-$ p4 v: a6 i6 X8 K7 @/ R3 o
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
) k0 o7 w) G0 R1 `- R  i  j> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
# x+ I6 R# x- }  H: S> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
' F& ~6 X: S3 O: k3 q> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
  |* i& q) X' l4 Y% I# ~> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one; K. h/ t6 i, k, P2 E+ w0 A
> > hour early.
$ M! H. S( b# {6 H: O) @5 Y4 m> >
8 F7 z$ ]' X# _8 M& W> > Toilet Use" _' _$ F4 \) ~$ E! u! q
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
2 [) n  b7 s. ]4 X  L> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit1 n5 V0 A8 M" F, }  t$ z* h8 l
> > in the cubicles.: n! A4 B. s/ v( z
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
8 ~! d" e* m$ I9 N+ S& K! s% T. G> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle1 ^7 t* `5 _) J$ J$ H: @* ~2 r' ?
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.& L; k* }2 a3 j' J3 h
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be. Q' S! V+ C! m4 w9 ?
> > posted on the company notice board under the- T/ r# q, Z6 T) Z1 f
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.# F, j: H9 q: ^$ ~2 T- @$ E+ e: \* `
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be2 m) A3 p, a  p0 Z
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
+ t# T6 y: x6 B  M> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break1 o2 w7 s$ {5 ~+ ?, l# i: [, J, r
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
1 C/ f# `) C  _5 L7 O- ?& _> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
) F! I* w- w/ J8 O% Y  F> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to2 t5 t) d8 j4 [6 E' a
> > maintain their average figure.
) c& j1 A/ O+ M2 r+ @> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time9 k6 P- F( ^% o# U
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
2 k) }1 i9 {$ o& {% F> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
9 g' M5 F7 T9 b> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive1 y: U. j" |1 A' m
> > employment experience.
# h. x/ @: Y; q- q& N1 a# w> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
$ R" c% _& t* ^% T/ R, L- B> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,! W* R/ ~9 t, D$ A$ I& }9 x+ o+ x2 f" J/ ^
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
, a/ J9 r( s) E> > directed elsewhere.