HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
% H/ s" B6 f/ f6 b- v> >                     Effective January 2007: k# H3 p9 z5 }( X
> >
7 N7 W4 S; y! Z, |" I) ?- {/ ?7 F& ~> > Dress Code
7 F( D' E& ]+ J  e3 G$ |3 m> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed; b/ v% W9 t4 t0 K7 U+ P' t$ ]
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
8 X/ B2 h: P1 g% E2 i( Z> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume# }0 w- }; U' G  Y; m
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
$ j+ B2 H" }! [% ^% e> > need a pay raise.
7 @" \' T7 m( I+ E& Y> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage: m  c0 U3 C) ^  q- s! [1 g# B/ b
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
8 d- a3 Y" @+ M, `' |- H> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3 U. }1 x; j" P$ p& @> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
/ n+ {2 {3 y. W- J) m( r) c> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay5 h6 u/ H( R: U7 Y% H/ w
> > raise.) S; }7 {# `3 I8 E9 \( q
> >
: z- `0 R  f  G  ?> > Sick Days1 K. c6 B1 L4 i
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
  |3 x# N6 }9 D0 E0 ?> > proof of sickness./ X+ x+ z- Z6 Z! {) W, `
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
% v& N& k$ m/ K( B> > to come to work.' M2 I4 _$ X! j7 U
> >5 h  ^) H: m, @9 O2 d2 h
> > Holiday Days2 {0 i: i# ^) ?. ~! e
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a% b4 o. @# ?9 W# i& c
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
! g; |* ?7 M9 ~> >
9 `7 u$ U6 y- E9 L> > Compassionate Leave
6 T9 Y7 B2 w3 V0 B- ?% b* R> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
8 x" v$ V/ F  i- x> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
3 m+ V& [1 f2 u7 d> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
) a9 v7 \8 m7 D! q0 b8 X2 a> > employees attend to the arrangements.
( b! j, S, n2 `; B> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
- N! r8 ?  C5 s, T3 K> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
/ {7 n) r8 P0 c7 I' d> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
4 i7 [/ s0 g. M# p5 I& z+ L0 W> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one8 d& p1 h  G2 e( n
> > hour early./ k" ?* ]; t9 E# ^" Q
> >% X' Y+ [+ X2 ~( f/ x
> > Toilet Use1 l* \4 [, Z8 C" N9 q$ [/ d
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the1 b% M2 l8 C* x# v8 _$ W, C) O
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
/ e4 Z. Y6 P$ O! {, A8 E) O" a> > in the cubicles.
; X% b/ I3 z- q" \$ g# J6 |> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will2 w# O# B0 ?3 }8 U) }/ r- N
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
8 J. l5 N" j) n> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
& k0 n& ]2 F2 ]9 B3 X5 G0 S> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
" X, P9 q! N& d: j# R> > posted on the company notice board under the
) C3 O% G7 Z5 f; L> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
3 j4 R* W3 X, Z. P; w' d> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
0 i& `8 I- X2 w, U- v> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
& G% s2 ]  ~# r+ P8 i; b+ V> > policy.
$ k! k3 T  w' K: {. n( Y> >
- a, i5 m7 Y7 R3 t) A> > Lunch Break
2 E3 e8 I9 m% B) E> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
+ l3 g* c" J/ i- P$ g- C> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy./ k5 a: p2 S' A- c8 x' W# k5 _& q
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
$ Y3 R$ ]3 c' E3 h% f+ W> > maintain their average figure.1 O' L% `$ Y/ P, `) e
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time2 l/ o8 j/ R3 V2 _  h. t
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
  [( ]) o$ M* V3 N6 L* m6 a> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
8 Y) l( K2 `$ N> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
8 y2 \* m; }5 \> > employment experience.
& O5 N' X5 O) _1 G6 I$ @6 {> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
1 b% v7 f  ?  l> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
% g  W$ _) M5 U" e' Q, B5 X. [> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
5 J* R8 ~; v! l2 a) Z  W# `> > directed elsewhere.