HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:$ \: {9 w' ]6 T
> >                     Effective January 2007
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0 q$ P$ y9 _* s' ^; x. n7 M$ x> > Dress Code; J) ~& Z5 g2 j0 y
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
: [- m% E; @, V; X  L7 [> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing5 d0 ]3 ^* a& W9 i
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume  V: p4 e2 s3 @* t, [
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not7 G4 H4 K* F) k9 C+ Y
> > need a pay raise.+ r6 @, `) q; I! D6 |
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
$ V" U- |% M# p' F> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer6 k/ v/ j* V1 G% a: \/ x$ \
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
) d2 @1 o% \4 Q. U+ q; Y9 a> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you6 U0 p2 m! V6 l# X: B* O
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
* N3 {  _) z" H> > raise.
. P- h' n7 J" L! I> >
( P, p  {, H/ g( W' i& M> > Sick Days
& z2 u+ X+ b' A- D2 y> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as( P, |( H, `2 t$ |/ z, _: L
> > proof of sickness.
# ?( @- E  @# A" \+ v, T) L. }> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able! d' Y/ ~7 b# Z% B- V1 T
> > to come to work.
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& O+ Y2 U9 R: W5 n0 \0 x* p: V> > Holiday Days# ^0 Q( P. g. v& R
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a# x' b% l& `; R/ T# S; n
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
, a8 m8 Z$ H4 C9 m1 s> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
6 U! N7 E! q& \8 B> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-/ {9 M2 l' E0 Z( V9 f+ G% ?6 y  Z
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-; f5 Y6 }6 a5 s0 f$ B2 r  m
> > employees attend to the arrangements.8 o7 O( q2 K! n! h7 b
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is, H, K1 t2 {4 K
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the0 ]# U+ E, O6 \& A
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work( A% x. L- {! J! \9 V
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one. |; f1 a2 v, |0 l6 x$ t3 a
> > hour early.3 W3 k7 `3 i! W6 `: S
> >9 `! f9 ^, H! x7 J
> > Toilet Use. }$ h* z' E: q% T2 I: s. }
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
: y; E, D6 P5 w! V7 u3 n3 w4 l> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit0 e; c+ B, ?/ d- O" c) U2 G
> > in the cubicles.
' {6 u9 Z: A- ^/ _) r/ k2 u> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
2 e) K  _6 [- l# L2 s> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
1 u, H  v. a8 V- H" `$ D> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
" a, O( k2 a$ `> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
; Z1 F% L) N$ `+ r! R: G> > posted on the company notice board under the1 C. a7 U8 V( t/ z8 D2 Z
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
1 Y7 v/ S7 {! }$ c> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
; m/ C' y" E% {+ C5 f> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
4 n% L1 M" q* @2 S% v> > policy.
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: [7 P, R, C3 p> > Lunch Break
5 \) W7 d5 N1 T3 a8 {; v> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they' }* G. n& W1 K: W
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
+ h& I/ m' g) y" X* e> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
/ R" D! U9 M/ A> > maintain their average figure.
% c9 z' t9 m; v' Y; Z> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time: x6 Z8 G% H2 X
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.4 l' y( z3 w; v( k
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
, u6 e0 h' j% b1 U+ k3 y2 ?> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive0 t; D  q- ^0 f  e! o& u
> > employment experience.
, F( q& _/ a1 a9 d> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
0 q" p+ t, O7 J5 W, D' w> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,' y& |2 [7 a% L2 Y
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
6 y( Z( f6 z! b! ~9 M> > directed elsewhere.