HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
* ?+ C3 @! p3 z' y1 o> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
3 X9 m5 {4 v- Y( v> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed) I' X! A& E2 n# e
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
4 M% r* `! \3 ~2 K( E9 {, p' a9 i> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
  I$ D6 g* N2 V4 m5 Y> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
2 b9 d4 f( z6 I5 D> > need a pay raise.
1 w0 T" w2 J2 c  R8 G> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage% t) k& S; e- Z9 ~7 O+ k. x+ ]
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer# o, R" J2 l7 L0 i2 b7 b& \
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
  S' a# q5 i) _4 V  H5 I8 z4 j& w> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
( T% D) S" }! H+ B: S> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
) p- m# I% \* m4 T" [  }1 L) G> > raise.0 i. e+ w  |2 ]% q& W% V
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> > Sick Days
, S+ Z" s* B% f* P> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as3 k- A. z2 K; k% q
> > proof of sickness.2 R* D- {) n* r/ b; N) r
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
+ I1 q( t8 `7 p- f0 J' W> > to come to work.
$ `! ?7 j+ x0 V/ _0 i> >. ?+ r/ f. `3 K2 }
> > Holiday Days+ G; p) a: ?! W6 ?4 D, u: G6 q8 r
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
7 l0 D! v2 i/ T> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
1 h! _1 x% ?: e# i> >
8 P# P: f0 ]( f4 }> > Compassionate Leave
% B( B0 j! C/ {+ _3 p/ N! s" p  o> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
$ g, Y, O. ?2 Y  ?% C> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
: F) }# ?/ ~! L4 n1 z+ D6 l! h8 u> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-1 {6 o  I4 w8 M3 u) j
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
6 Q) d6 Z- a0 B8 c& V2 ^" R> > In rare cases where employee involvement is% G* y4 G, e2 p# m% v
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
, a6 {8 z9 g. h! d> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
9 V* q) g$ ^  j+ w7 w> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one* D, d5 H% J8 z/ B8 K
> > hour early.8 M! \; q) |. r% Y4 ], N) \/ U$ q( o
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> > Toilet Use% n. k/ n& F# m, V6 X9 |& Z
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the' F$ }% k0 @4 F" Y
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
$ O/ w% Q1 I2 x; D! @3 G> > in the cubicles.6 A- ?7 ?+ H: C% D/ {
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will, l9 v- c5 r5 K
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
( k+ r, L4 X9 w# H# f> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
0 k. {. }# }3 O: [2 U2 _> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
  `/ O! U0 c+ W- w) O/ _1 K# y> > posted on the company notice board under the
6 i! n: U: U4 t+ }* N> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
, L" h1 @5 |9 y> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be. W% d' A+ P; P
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health/ Y% I; g) T( ?) k$ ?, ~
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break
  G7 X$ B3 {# H* a) u  [9 }> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
4 J6 M5 }  ~* S$ j> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.7 J+ [2 _+ |! _0 E# A" V
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
) \: V/ |/ L5 _& ?* C> > maintain their average figure.0 k1 `1 I7 S0 X! U' @
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time. @0 g+ z5 S" N% ^. f' W
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
& ^8 {- x2 C; B. o0 h> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
; p- T$ `) ]) ~- z7 M> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
. I" P. C% S. y$ q> > employment experience.
7 _, e$ e; M2 w- K> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,% `% z" I2 X- o9 s
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
8 s. Z7 c# Q$ ]2 x; J> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be, K9 D" y( q, {
> > directed elsewhere.