HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
8 A% d3 l1 K7 H" E, `  u' D> >                     Effective January 2007
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5 D& g) t2 J5 X. m> > Dress Code
* P3 \! g! A1 \9 E! n> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed  _% w; s, Z5 ]$ x2 P4 M0 b; N3 Q1 E0 X
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ ^3 b: ~" b! B; X4 K8 d0 b9 Y( T
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
' S8 d1 ~( t" ~9 S. x7 `> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not& ?/ w6 r( b9 F! |+ _; |" s
> > need a pay raise.5 E" s, b5 b( {& C! n  {
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
! r. a- M! O& H! R! r$ a> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer" a+ }) z4 m, x: U5 L
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.+ W2 t, a% i2 Q! a7 {5 u  V2 @
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you& @$ L' P. C* y5 ^1 q* V! X8 _/ s; n
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay( l8 h& Y4 {4 R! L7 h. @
> > raise.
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> > Sick Days& x" R: {; O/ ?
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as% B; L. T* R, o, ~/ L: A; @; L
> > proof of sickness.
3 ~/ B: R2 R0 X  v> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
; @& M  ^, ]' N> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days# J2 ]! d/ l3 s  g# t
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
8 e+ T* u. C6 c6 f> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.4 \5 Q! l8 a2 _) w, F8 ~$ N
> >( w! w, w6 z. I/ N; y, ^( @
> > Compassionate Leave
; @3 l# B1 i2 r> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing* n# m  F' [% i; m& f
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
4 ^6 e( }5 e: Q7 Y/ o> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
' p7 }0 w; m! b3 y, y7 d7 R> > employees attend to the arrangements.
5 x+ @1 N: c' a2 z% I  c: M" ]> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
7 l5 y2 t% U8 t+ C> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
% u) Q4 d& d9 @, J: |# F> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work2 l( j' s4 i: q$ v- X- _$ L
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
/ Q! T- O7 I9 {8 `: o& s> > hour early.
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9 K0 L( K8 R3 l: x> > Toilet Use
# q2 B* D+ ^8 r2 p+ l> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the" K1 ?, ?7 n+ Z( ^; X
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit( A( U6 p# p. R# d  Q; N
> > in the cubicles.- @8 w3 m) N' m1 n. v
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
' T- `% }, Q5 V  c) d; F- G> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle9 j  {7 O$ p3 u( m6 O
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
. Y5 [0 V& {$ ~4 j5 H) V> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be& g5 e7 Y7 a/ k$ x
> > posted on the company notice board under the7 N! s# m! s, H1 P. S
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
  B' r4 A- {$ `( l8 H> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be" S, ^$ k+ U5 p, r$ J% y
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health, i+ w6 b9 D- }* z/ w( Y
> > policy.+ r& i' P* Z; Z* q
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> > Lunch Break
! n0 ^* U4 n+ T5 h> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they! S7 Z7 a) d. S. k: G3 Y9 s
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
4 @! j4 k4 n6 x! h! x. p> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to# l, f( ]* Z/ \* u) y0 f
> > maintain their average figure.
1 y6 w4 C) n: p7 ~2 O> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time& m$ m6 q3 \+ s
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.6 u# @4 m) d" x! O3 \8 Z. k. Q* R
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
$ `" Z1 q5 V5 C( Y7 [> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive- J0 B' q, A$ j2 n. F/ D
> > employment experience.& G1 W. }8 P' e# m
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
3 e: w" e3 r( P. h5 i7 `- I> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
4 \% y# B& i; \# X> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be& w& |  j5 E( x" W- t
> > directed elsewhere.