HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
) V7 i+ t' i. F/ |/ m> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code/ c9 E5 A2 G( {8 l+ F
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
3 A$ v1 H; k" X1 j2 u( J% s> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
: G/ w, p! k; D. p: y> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
# M' K+ k  p  D9 {> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not0 @; I2 r. m1 `7 [2 `4 ^- ~# Q* M3 w
> > need a pay raise.
7 r6 z, e: l1 E1 L7 V. g1 v> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage9 S! S% R2 T+ Z5 c$ `! i! U
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
, j0 H4 o( @( n) t8 S: y3 y1 n9 [7 R> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.4 s+ s: K9 y) w+ X! f  @
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you* q: E! P6 I+ V
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
. a7 ~' ~4 k3 Q> > raise.
1 A! y  n( O) S& ?4 p% ]5 D> >$ T7 o0 o. O6 F: q0 l0 T6 M, ?* h
> > Sick Days# K7 k, e) R: ~" O2 C' t
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as2 ~0 P' J! X: A7 u% x4 {
> > proof of sickness.
: R! j  w1 R. Q0 U  r  c. T! `6 i> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
0 V" T5 w, `9 |> > to come to work.
3 t; f% T# {/ S% [8 \! E( ~> >
" A6 m, V; ^8 Y6 ^6 O8 Z> > Holiday Days
: u3 _9 A2 z6 ^> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a3 G" J  W( }; ^9 o1 o
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave2 ~0 `3 a% T. X* I: `
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
5 I1 A# H" g$ j" @1 C> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
0 z  I3 Q8 Y& @2 l# \! i" e> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
1 S5 G) _/ t3 I+ a$ U2 V: K> > employees attend to the arrangements.4 s, z$ J$ b* o0 p* n
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
8 u5 t. h$ Q8 X/ c4 m. [2 c! t> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
5 `3 U$ P& Z; D. m3 W> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
! ?; B$ s5 B& y  G. m1 x( D> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one, _. h! d/ D" X2 p  q/ l8 }
> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use) `# t* p9 [5 O. Q
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
( g4 _4 s; T. |& C& [; u> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
! L5 s5 D( s& r> > in the cubicles.
2 n% C  Y6 O+ ^1 B2 g' H> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will& Y+ N/ k8 J4 M
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
  V+ ~: r7 O0 E: n0 j/ U: C7 K> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
& C6 P2 B: X7 |5 ?2 k5 Q> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be1 G7 [! a$ u* ?6 o
> > posted on the company notice board under the
$ Y' C/ @& I1 L> > "Chronic Offenders" category.2 _6 B3 S$ r+ Z7 l
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be7 s. \7 y2 A. @
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health: K5 D/ {, I: w5 q- V# b& u0 P
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break
0 Y6 p# z' j2 D, f. w2 ?7 i> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
, v# h( C" @- t6 B. V5 o6 l> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
$ x* ^. Z; v, v! C. a' v4 J. v8 t> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
* h# k8 |2 v: H. m$ I> > maintain their average figure.5 D9 h1 Q4 s: Y  r4 h
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
( n- a$ G, E8 O5 z> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.  ~; U" D$ A3 h/ e5 T
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
. u* a# G! d% t> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive5 m; P% b( F& s% `- S6 V0 W/ p# G, k
> > employment experience.& V$ J1 R) i7 Z+ J  F' u
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
" A  e/ G" a$ F( C> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
/ x3 t' Z3 G, D: e> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
3 \3 B2 m3 `; _% F, H+ H> > directed elsewhere.