HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:' Q8 F2 x& K. I5 a2 Y8 A: r9 k/ ]6 r
> >                     Effective January 2007* b- n% ?6 s8 F/ x& ^8 @# D
> >6 o' _; [( Y. j
> > Dress Code( G  {8 M% n. t! _9 b( p
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
5 b1 P& n2 n& _$ W  `> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
; R7 I/ u3 M) H# ~> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
# [% c6 f+ v/ r9 W0 g# X6 l. s. @> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
* c. A5 S" `% K> > need a pay raise.
7 ]2 M! |9 i9 I& H( ]> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage* L$ _* E+ _4 y0 u% W$ g
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
! E/ W1 H' s# I. S* w+ }> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
/ |1 Y; S! f- q0 Y" n) Q> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
- ~) }" e% @  k* O7 @> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
' \0 k# I' a1 n6 v1 G1 E> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
& x8 k8 g8 i9 N0 q% s' L8 g> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
  V, v# {. Z2 w. G> > proof of sickness.- ~& _- X6 E  z9 U  x8 t
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able# n: [9 N( g$ }( }+ N6 k+ R9 C( E2 R
> > to come to work.3 t( s* Z- q) @1 @& z$ F) y# p
> >
. b/ T+ S6 G6 D, a) @> > Holiday Days
! M) x' G. ?8 P& O> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a3 `. L6 h/ D# J  k: t7 F% [
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
/ a0 ^/ k+ o9 ?> >
5 L6 i  V7 W- F> > Compassionate Leave
% G5 J" I  U- x' c) `: O- @" |& e> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing5 v0 H, ]+ O2 F4 \% {8 n! M
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-* L. N, s7 A  w' b! `, M
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-* J+ N' S4 Q$ n: x# p
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
2 ]: s0 h6 O5 Y5 m) u> > In rare cases where employee involvement is( _. Z8 M* h* W& O
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the" U6 ~9 K4 }7 a6 o( m) o/ F
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
" H# j1 N. W) ]1 ^; k* C> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one& ?: o) X; J6 I3 |
> > hour early.
/ @) S# E/ U& c/ {, o> >
3 m3 ^9 V8 T9 d& f> > Toilet Use) T+ K  z$ K* U- f8 g) ~4 N# f
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
, \: N1 n/ S: J$ _+ M> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit8 `& ]9 W9 g4 Z; E
> > in the cubicles.% o  \) s& j- ]1 C
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will7 ^8 B* l5 x' H$ B. C
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle6 z% [- u* S# F" ~5 J9 b
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.9 J6 n8 N) p2 k1 {$ E: ^8 C' [
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
. |$ ]( M0 `0 {! m> > posted on the company notice board under the
' q+ k3 y4 s+ u/ l> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
! F% ~) x. q, r2 d+ }2 X/ T( o5 V> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be7 f, V" j- {4 A5 l
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health+ a" y, ?# |0 X) @. Q4 w
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break
& n$ Y. G8 b) h" u+ \, R6 _> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they0 Z8 y9 o# _$ n% w* u: W: v
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
7 {, ]& ?! o6 |' |$ S> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
0 F2 {0 _0 v/ U5 _; c> > maintain their average figure.
6 P5 w' D; e0 `4 H; U> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
6 ~5 Q9 B4 e9 |+ m; U3 b' O  _; r> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
  m/ V5 {# h( @+ V: ?- B> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are, Q* Y! b$ S0 x
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
7 m+ S  C3 T7 e; {( Z! c> > employment experience.
. {( R  M; }+ X, r9 K> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
% T( w/ z* ~' r# l> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
) M" e5 ^$ U. |2 ?> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
+ O3 b9 T2 P( u3 C: a0 _> > directed elsewhere.