HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
; A! u! r) v  T, q( x> >                     Effective January 2007) `6 ~4 X: R9 W  v8 ~0 {; n
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> > Dress Code+ ~" H6 b5 @7 e9 `
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
9 S  z# D% X) B( h> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
! |2 {' z# N9 W, r2 M# D7 V: _% P> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume- D% h) o! l- g* O- K
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not- E2 c9 J6 x" u) u6 h& f0 [
> > need a pay raise.
) |; E* y8 O, E  H+ \> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
2 A, L7 z: C+ A> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer. s/ z- [5 i  }% s; s
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.1 k- _4 P) ]* g( P, ?
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you3 Z( M  F( G( R8 H. G
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
( {: U, @% ^2 E2 L3 `2 z  L# w# A7 _> > raise.  J$ h" h! Y" g8 ^, s
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> > Sick Days( @) _1 F5 D4 F& l: ?5 e6 F
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as* L5 s$ `9 G% O* p
> > proof of sickness.1 ^! J7 |7 z' _& v
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able' w( T7 [3 h" o& a+ s
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days4 ~4 z" o# H! R, ]6 t
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
$ ^: W) K' d6 {9 p0 e3 ^> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
# B; h" c9 A0 |8 m- A+ A6 p& K> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing$ @2 e$ @9 k1 L. i: D1 ~
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
  W& d8 V$ C* b# D> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-0 a. E6 Y: u$ a* @0 a) f1 [
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
, U  r) Y8 I6 ?" L> > In rare cases where employee involvement is0 f" i# h, k- F1 }/ M$ o
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the* K! f: L( G; ]; e5 d3 z
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work( A2 a2 u( u; F5 C! p
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one5 D+ k. f2 m6 d' f( x6 ~) e( O
> > hour early.0 F! ?! O& o3 Z; ^+ B0 m
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> > Toilet Use, j! o! Y4 {7 F
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
# ]4 k( ?8 r+ Q" F) z$ T6 W> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
, z0 K1 T9 ^  z> > in the cubicles.8 y1 `) y8 a3 Y1 j9 L0 L+ ~
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will8 G/ f4 D9 \: ~
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle  P& e$ Q& }- {8 Q  Y( l6 L3 C
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.3 ~; M1 s5 L1 g6 f! R4 e6 V
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be( s0 n* Z1 Y9 D
> > posted on the company notice board under the
( a* I* i- X* }) A> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
* M5 C: y( v+ ~* A' ]> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be% g% K1 M" X; ]2 m
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
' y2 z; D7 j0 ?/ d> > policy., \/ @3 G6 f: c0 [( g/ o7 F" b9 B
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> > Lunch Break
% X- @3 ^; w' O1 ?> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
/ L( T; P; }$ s# O3 k$ D! |> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.& `6 f( @" r5 `
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to/ j5 G- m1 A2 L) Y
> > maintain their average figure.
, T& `5 [# g0 M1 a( D' D! k4 e/ J> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
$ y! C* @) o& Y* l> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.& l1 K/ f$ X; \6 c$ D
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
( e# ]3 D5 y/ k' t- S; ^  `> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive6 ?% T# S# Q6 }0 I2 y& }
> > employment experience.& e7 m( m* r# h; @# U) j
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,  g$ w  }# a; z: h8 w7 a4 g
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,( y& F( ~& @$ e' p' x
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be1 s; S/ p9 \2 P5 h6 g
> > directed elsewhere.