HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
& I- t8 s. ^3 h3 ]) |2 C  S5 {2 ]> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
) |+ V3 T2 ]6 c6 a$ Q/ y> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed! Q4 e$ d, ?% @( ~
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing9 }5 a, p- J& J* G, W
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
# g! N  T. r5 D' u> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
( |6 K; \, {$ E> > need a pay raise.
" V: |% {" b+ K> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
0 G3 H$ x. |$ h& [1 |% X6 K> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
8 `" i" t# ?; k: B0 C> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.; J3 u+ B7 I9 s  Q) }8 c
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
. b' [9 v. h+ K> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
6 ]7 Y+ B. l/ ^. m> > raise.
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> > Sick Days' B! R9 Y- L1 O4 T' p0 C" {
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as+ X* \) V- W- V
> > proof of sickness.
5 N. ~$ \) \" G$ O> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able/ i3 j- p" ^5 q
> > to come to work.; O, B  X/ I" ?1 X
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> > Holiday Days
+ n  M  j0 _4 h5 V9 L4 X/ y4 \' P> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
0 h) ~1 x2 N' k7 F# ?7 v> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.4 e- _6 K: k- U1 E3 b' o
> >+ A4 `  M# h% f2 ]% O
> > Compassionate Leave+ D: q8 k8 i& V% T) X
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing2 m1 U, \* ^6 R" K8 v: f* f6 C* r
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
- n- h, @& \+ r> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
* e2 T. ~+ P/ K" p, g  r; g> > employees attend to the arrangements.+ h+ e- N4 F2 G9 f1 _" D
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
4 t2 V& e" ], m+ I5 y4 i* }> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the& Z7 y4 V; p3 I
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
2 u% s0 `* L) W" I8 ?: O5 j> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
( h8 ]5 v: e* P> > hour early.
$ a9 \* H4 V1 Z0 h! a$ u2 l> >, s% v- d" s% o. o* n; u
> > Toilet Use
8 R! w4 Y! A! W. k* M> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
( C' v% t) o: D% C# D> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
& S& y( ~7 Z2 T7 k9 d5 r4 P> > in the cubicles.
: ~1 @7 d& g" {: X3 ?> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will& k( T7 ~% q1 h" C( `. `
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle4 ~9 Z) Y4 u, j& U/ @! o% W1 S) d- }
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
" V3 k1 @) E0 K- p' T> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
6 Q! b% b$ @1 Z  N: S& N> > posted on the company notice board under the
7 r( ]' T' W8 |8 d> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
' r% i: b1 C# K+ C# r& o0 _> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be  n6 h/ b# ^( H% M4 |$ \
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
# Q1 l# F9 P$ Z, s3 p6 R> > policy.
$ D+ o! q6 K* F> >, ~& W- i2 s1 p5 I
> > Lunch Break$ b) f3 H6 ]5 \8 X4 y/ ^: l
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they1 `3 ]7 w0 M& N& ?, S
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.0 |) }7 @# {$ @# {) J
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to* _8 n) |4 i+ x3 K* y) A( L' ~* V
> > maintain their average figure.( ]: w: k' P; y9 m' o
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
, k2 i. C( w& h' a0 \/ O> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
* O# r8 _+ V0 `, V9 O" B, @; i> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are# Y* v3 E1 X# ~, r% [4 v4 d5 a
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
) y1 ?- W" ?& F  w, N7 S> > employment experience.
: E7 s9 J- q( {) ^) c7 @5 p> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,: `; t; e& h7 k( |" W5 Q
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
: _, t7 {/ [4 q% H: R6 c- @4 \$ ^7 D+ F/ P> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
' @9 J: e# \  t" E; Y+ Z> > directed elsewhere.