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CHECSS

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1^#

發表於 2006-4-13 07:06 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/13 17:17:
http://www.26fun.com/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=109868&fpage=1
由於今次是小弟第一次作一些比較長篇的小說，因此希望得到大家寶貴的意見，多謝．

too short , 內容過分簡單 , 47分

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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2^#

發表於 2006-4-13 07:18 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/13 19:08:

可以點改善？

long d , 內容多d , 複雜 d

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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3^#

發表於 2006-4-13 07:23 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/13 19:18:

每一章寫幾多字好？

about this at least :
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http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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4^#

發表於 2006-4-13 07:24 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/13 19:23:

咁寫幾多章好？

don't mind this

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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5^#

發表於 2006-4-13 07:24 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by CHECSS at 2006/4/13 19:24:

don't mind this

just you like

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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6^#

發表於 2006-4-14 07:14 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/14 09:10:

咁應該跟幾多成好？

no mind , but the ending should be the same with history

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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7^#

發表於 2006-4-14 07:15 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by beginner at 2006/4/14 16:05:
講真﹐睇完都無咩墮入感

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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8^#

發表於 2006-4-17 04:06 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/17 14:27:

可以點高潮起伏法？

see see
http://www.26fun.com/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=83094&fpage=1

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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9^#

發表於 2006-4-17 04:41 PM | 顯示全部帖子

Originally posted by 155220 at 2006/4/17 16:12:

thx
有無C仔你親自執筆既大作？

none

i will write at the paper ge .....................

http://www.xvideos.com/video451827/rio_filter-074_babe_filter-037_and_squirt

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