HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:6 A$ m. e! h! p
> >                     Effective January 2007
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1 L3 z$ c, H" l+ ?, K8 Z> > Dress Code
6 n/ i, K% T1 D% K1 T+ i> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
- B3 U- O) O7 ]( @2 L* B' J$ o> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing. G3 ]  b3 O$ R; Q( R9 \
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume2 r: T0 ?8 _; z7 \: H$ [1 K9 b
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
9 N- z! }) b" Q6 ~4 s, z( O> > need a pay raise.2 b$ n: S4 t7 n( L! n
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage+ |: v2 k: W4 \0 [6 Z
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer; m4 G* @+ C; t6 l8 ^/ k
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
% A3 U" t/ F. f8 l. j0 \7 U  g> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
5 O! G2 _5 E$ D9 U3 [: O> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
: y" ]& C: y! |& Y- @/ ?> > raise.
2 D- V8 l$ r" ^8 o! \  O> >
4 g: J0 u) Z8 S/ \> > Sick Days% T0 q. w% p' C3 m- i% k& |
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
* q6 j4 C' @! ]6 k: F) D) r> > proof of sickness.; r# S+ u0 u. j
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able1 `/ b0 G( L! w/ n  g5 z1 n
> > to come to work.# D- \% i5 e% U5 P
> >
& @- i+ S1 s2 d, g& i! O> > Holiday Days: [1 u0 G  Q' _# b
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
- d. j$ G1 C, K) @$ d> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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7 M7 R. q/ F/ ?. j> > Compassionate Leave' F5 L4 F* b+ |2 |
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
2 w9 m4 k/ D5 |> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
: I4 I" U" c6 S& Y% P* k> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
7 m4 P+ e! |  z) [1 g# I> > employees attend to the arrangements.
; s3 W  p" ?9 x, r! O> > In rare cases where employee involvement is$ \+ P! ~( b. ^
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
/ o+ A0 {# F1 C9 p# O> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
3 n: H# l: C! z! V  g( ~6 d> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
  b6 S7 i3 N# W! E; N> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use3 C8 x" \. `- B! K: p* K* c
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
* a$ h2 u+ A- n5 q> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit* u/ `6 D, ^$ c" `
> > in the cubicles.
: C9 o7 ?' l% Z8 U& \( ~! A> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
: j8 P' Z: Q) I7 n> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
* H: I* x3 N* y$ c" |& t> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.6 C; H7 s8 r! j% o
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be0 w8 u# S+ o' m2 l- D5 W& Q" s1 A
> > posted on the company notice board under the
' u/ L, H. H6 Z+ A" l> > "Chronic Offenders" category.7 t+ a' t1 }# d! ~; f' n1 V
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
) l: g) A+ O. o  ?> > sanctioned under the company's mental health8 v# {' _* Y4 X2 X* d4 V. [/ x
> > policy.' Z7 D- Y& r# c
> >: u5 T: q: j! \% t- y
> > Lunch Break
# j; m$ g$ R$ v$ e6 g8 N" S> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
1 V2 F3 g4 n% d" [' p3 P> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.5 @. T# R* ?2 R+ f1 S% e3 l% D
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
% |+ Q5 o+ o; f) c1 C& d0 v0 M> > maintain their average figure.
' X/ E* h" g$ M" w6 q> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time% E0 Z5 z* t3 E- d9 y0 y
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.3 R4 f9 O4 c0 ]  U1 S: }
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
; n9 i6 T1 H  m> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
5 ?* ~4 _' r# s9 n> > employment experience.
& {4 M$ v9 x# i* y4 f1 n> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,2 [0 ?9 k; s* U
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,) x6 k- z( u7 L; d" p7 k
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be4 r5 l8 i4 n2 I. Z; s" m4 F# q
> > directed elsewhere.