HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
$ N* v; D9 W; B  |6 `4 r/ S- J5 \> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code. J( E; J7 L2 S: i& m
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
" a, j8 k9 e+ V> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing% k0 P) Z2 a0 [+ _/ y2 J
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume+ b) Z6 N+ c" J, F  v5 C% E
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
/ |& @* P, n6 T. B> > need a pay raise.
7 V) V! S; n1 E2 J6 p+ @- u> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage# F8 p: ?/ p! d5 _3 \3 @3 C& C% [3 r
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
% G* h5 W; S: w: N& P> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
& @# I* o$ t) o: J( e> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
0 L& n4 l% B( F5 S( p) p> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay6 B: T' Y1 B! o' s* |
> > raise.- \/ e9 s& H. x3 f  P( P
> >
7 G8 k+ l! o' E' l! `> > Sick Days
& c  E; r5 Q! S$ ~) ]: M> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as8 y9 S! s$ l! d3 c% }
> > proof of sickness.
) Q& a4 _* l: q! T> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
$ p* t7 I# }9 a& t8 p> > to come to work.$ L" K  E+ }0 z
> ># c; A5 N+ D# T: ^# d2 U
> > Holiday Days
, @3 M" W9 d: R# }: S; z3 x> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
; L7 g3 l: L. T+ n5 L" ?> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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" C" H9 T- q+ W2 p" `> > Compassionate Leave
+ Q3 V: U/ D& `8 @# a( V7 `> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
/ ]# c$ @$ o- |/ f9 e$ h) X> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
2 v4 `9 y+ g) n) O7 c5 q> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-' U2 `* I+ B; R, W
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
! k: D- B9 R! ?0 ^% q( d> > In rare cases where employee involvement is$ c3 c3 T$ x. N* O7 P0 l
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the3 F0 K  m: Z' {! r$ \
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
! S, g  }$ W2 ?+ Y, ?& w$ K9 T0 Z3 r! V> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one' \4 S; \# W# k* }0 \! O- C
> > hour early.$ E" Z* F! a+ Y- Q5 ^1 z  j1 C
> >& v9 K) C2 h5 b  a
> > Toilet Use
6 v+ z5 j0 G  Y4 T4 i; X> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
2 ]) Y) O1 G1 W0 C> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
5 j4 D4 Y. r4 g4 M% v$ U' ?1 Q> > in the cubicles./ G! t* r. n% C/ N
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will# G" ^: {; r8 T9 j$ M+ _3 r1 n
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
" d) U3 }. Q$ ^. K; F+ M> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
4 |7 `4 _9 B* [7 I7 W' F2 ?9 ~> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be- a( l: L8 l; ~
> > posted on the company notice board under the
7 ?6 _9 O* k  y9 C* ?( d" V; ]6 }> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
" }4 x6 e* j) I) l- v> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
4 T- X) X3 \% w! h9 \! ^> > sanctioned under the company's mental health$ n: Y7 v+ g* K% ^
> > policy., @- [/ W' f8 Z, Y: K
> >% C2 Y; i, S  ~1 V# h7 f' X, b
> > Lunch Break3 l# x/ d9 S( d
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they* _' N, `. `4 R$ p% V% Y
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.0 C  r: S" K# v" A/ x
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to' ^4 V3 f! w$ q" _# f
> > maintain their average figure.& V  Z+ Q( G- Y, o, C7 Z: X
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time! [/ b% r5 m  f; Z. d
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.  B2 i9 J: B6 c, ~
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are- Z" \7 {5 u. x
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive* e- _  d$ W: A9 h8 ?/ q
> > employment experience.
5 M. K- H; ]0 p# s> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,/ ^% \% d3 ]: R! X( O
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
; t4 f! g' R6 O9 {# k- b> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be7 w& r, r3 a# g, U4 S0 A$ K, t
> > directed elsewhere.