HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
0 B- P( j. `& H! K> >                     Effective January 2007# L6 P" X( X- w3 T" K) F" N
> >
* |: N$ ?! e- P: x, U$ o5 u> > Dress Code
- @; t9 r9 x' @# ?) x+ x/ X% V> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed7 m/ i  p! Y! E/ c: l
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
. }5 Q& q. ^& Q1 J( j6 F% Q3 Z> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume1 i1 j/ z8 q' R9 p& {) [
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
$ g  D* V. E  @: Q6 |> > need a pay raise.
% w4 c% i4 L" U. T> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage6 q# j/ P0 O4 H6 Q
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
" A1 p  D( ?/ S) {4 P6 H$ q> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
9 z: b* z7 q% r; y1 @> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you" A4 i6 m/ O' o
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
+ b; P% b# C, x4 _> > raise.
- u$ n1 M, n1 S5 ]* [4 X9 U' [+ |> >
  G( _& |) O# M: e; O' o! E> > Sick Days
1 j7 A9 d% m3 ?> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
! ?4 i. n0 G+ s* Y# t" o! T> > proof of sickness.
* r, X0 a3 U, p> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
+ l# n) V9 Q. N$ c> > to come to work.6 f9 L1 x& _) i7 P5 i4 i3 }
> >1 C( L/ P+ ]; [, D
> > Holiday Days* ~) h1 w+ n3 ], K
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
9 t' a! q1 j; q0 M9 S; z% D> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.9 y# F+ \7 i/ D, I
> >  a" b' C6 h# S  b; q$ s% H& h9 p
> > Compassionate Leave+ T" E) h+ P* Z8 N4 `2 w
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing) l& }' y$ o) I& y5 ?7 o
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
! k6 q# L* i% u& V" z7 ~7 \- }> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
2 D5 {1 k3 {/ _+ Y- Y" E& b> > employees attend to the arrangements.1 A# k3 k9 D! a8 X3 D- o3 {6 r2 ]% J
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is9 [+ L$ J/ d/ a& f7 }2 t1 w! u
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
  G" f( m* E/ c5 x> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
2 c9 i: J1 q" j- ?( |: k* S> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
& q1 H# i9 ]! M* E/ P; U> > hour early.- m* X. Q- z( d% h
> >
& Q! ?/ ]9 Y& s& g> > Toilet Use; y  S: E2 E: p# k" d/ W
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
7 _5 m6 t( j6 Z8 S% z> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit5 [1 T8 s5 g5 p
> > in the cubicles.
: D! Z6 D  ]7 K7 g$ n> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will1 V4 s8 M- x1 r) m
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
8 d3 N3 Z% F% K8 N1 p, s> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
+ L7 L, C- p! q1 q, e> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be. S8 t' U! q& x: w
> > posted on the company notice board under the- z. c; H. N, q, Z$ [
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.: [7 V4 l4 X! R7 a- A# o3 q
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be) \3 x" q4 D# s% q1 P1 q
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
9 B/ V- i3 m+ B( Z> > policy.
7 @. t& z( Q. m8 z; L> >
- c$ [! x5 U! d7 ]1 Y5 B4 ?; Y> > Lunch Break
( x+ ^8 J( f/ ?8 [% z  P" U# ]! d> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they( ^( T* P5 a, c4 u# ^3 M9 M
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
- j( Q& K; |8 f> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
1 z+ H0 d8 p9 h) g  _  ]* `8 F> > maintain their average figure.$ a" v; k& G9 U7 j6 g3 y: t, q) J
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
- s: N! i: K$ [5 U9 D> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
( w4 t1 c2 m7 G  e8 D& z2 N> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
8 \, o* Z8 d' r; w> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
/ U+ ?" h6 r/ E> > employment experience.
0 M! ~4 V+ ?" ~; p7 G> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
6 S2 e0 O7 u7 c) }# Z> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,5 a% d0 {5 q/ z1 {
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
7 v# X4 [& p1 s2 z$ \, ~9 f* Q  Z> > directed elsewhere.