HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
3 b. x; z4 ?: u" P+ e3 d& Q* Z> >                     Effective January 2007
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1 n: p8 p4 O* v> > Dress Code6 B* P- P' o! A- X4 k6 @
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
$ t# i. s! m- H( F  O( I+ m( L> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
) g$ {. z2 o$ E5 ]& I& V; j) a> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume/ s, C& i1 U6 s) f; l6 f' [
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not1 T& T9 {/ \, f7 ^# m+ {9 @& L
> > need a pay raise.
) ~  C" ~4 u# c+ J" |> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
$ W6 A3 {( N$ z9 G7 g> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
3 k: T$ Q9 s- ]+ c4 W: C" s, W$ a> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
) ?. V# j: j, U% a" a% r6 v> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
% x( H' p0 m& |( v5 j> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
4 P' n$ v8 c% b( d> > raise.1 w4 P% r5 m7 r; u& j% y  X+ Y
> >
6 A( d4 g0 G: x> > Sick Days6 H8 U) F1 F3 |# D7 V+ r
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as- T1 Q7 r) f0 V5 Y7 ?1 o9 O) c7 S
> > proof of sickness.
* ]; K7 j: x1 S1 M; n8 d7 I4 E> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able! e  s3 O4 }  }0 T* k
> > to come to work.6 ~, D0 t# |! f: s0 B
> >+ S7 `0 G6 Z: I, v: [( N
> > Holiday Days
  y/ R* L% W4 o" i4 E. }4 J/ o. M> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
) q0 D5 _$ b( R  R' P> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.+ M+ q/ T$ t& E# ~1 B
> >
. h# j% {. Q/ u" H> > Compassionate Leave1 O) X. w; E4 W: j8 {
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing3 q6 z! [: \' d* p$ e
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
# k* k6 ]1 r! g8 v> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-0 i' O3 H0 S+ z4 {6 r
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
' d/ |: J) h& j+ H9 @> > In rare cases where employee involvement is- t  ^3 D" l- p! w) @/ F+ _8 g
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the8 t6 h/ R& p$ j+ M
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
+ V/ i0 v7 v; e- X; ^> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
/ w7 B+ i) ~9 V% t( Z> > hour early.. C  E/ i- ^; M% f  N2 Q4 l2 q) y
> >
8 J. M+ t2 Q" l% o> > Toilet Use
; d+ i. w9 l! m1 ^> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
  n: B3 S& |) F3 Q; ~( h* n> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
) W  E( N: E% Q1 ^& V5 k0 I: }> > in the cubicles.
5 Q9 ~  ^/ c% y/ ]6 K9 V> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
! g) _/ L; X( S. D7 z# P> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
) q. o! T; f" `+ c# {& O> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.' H. q5 N& f7 Q" n, M+ E
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be% x/ M3 g; @- X! p6 |! K& ^0 w+ N
> > posted on the company notice board under the
, d8 P$ F* A- c: ?$ A* S1 o0 Q> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
% S( B$ I) R' S1 m6 I9 \> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
0 }: G+ _; U6 q. R8 P( Y> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
  H  }* A- C& W# Q7 P> > policy.
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" J; p) J6 T- k& l  n> > Lunch Break5 j: f9 {* T4 n) U3 |& K- @' M
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they" h- }9 Z5 f( W
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.& A9 ?* ^8 z7 \! d- i7 ]
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to. u/ o9 y8 V9 r* S7 z  I% l* j2 I
> > maintain their average figure.
  D0 Z$ t: q. }& Q( \> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time% E, m! J( m0 B) B2 _5 O
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.' y- w) \; h# v2 C7 T: \) z# Y
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are' F. O  v7 W. @
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
; p) m; G# `: t* ~# _> > employment experience.8 |1 U6 Q3 c/ P5 v: O' w6 @# U
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,0 T( m8 U- q/ @. W% U
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,) u$ c( z/ r) C4 T+ n
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
6 {$ ^) u( U- x0 a& U4 G& i! C4 f> > directed elsewhere.