HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
* e7 s9 T2 [. e- b4 f- E) r) t, L> >                     Effective January 2007$ [' V7 Y$ M0 Z! j* d, F
> >  \1 ]2 D- x+ r( P( x" V$ V" _
> > Dress Code! X+ {7 F5 Y) f/ {. \# |
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
( `2 ]6 v9 I8 f8 E6 T> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
7 C, H2 A/ ^1 e7 P# a> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
3 o1 b# z7 D8 c9 X6 B; C' s' _> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
, h- j, v# J% F. N> > need a pay raise.
8 Q! V. K* ~4 U; s> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
3 j: n. T! N8 n8 r% ~% `- b> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
: r) \) m' D+ y3 `> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
9 e! Q6 }) ?/ g& Y6 j. n! L> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
5 l# M% n8 g: B# J- ]+ X, U/ }> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
% y2 O- a3 W% }8 Z% T> > raise.# T& Y$ t6 N1 K( X6 q8 w# }, y3 w
> >6 g" [" e) m8 |- e; X! ]& p6 _
> > Sick Days
* L$ f; u- T- X9 j; K* Y8 S> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
8 I2 t+ E. B1 C" S" M( d2 L> > proof of sickness.  ?) F/ M+ M! I1 F* I9 {
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able2 U: V$ H. ?# G1 g) C
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days
: Q) \# E% {  i& F1 Z; M> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
% \8 T- m8 f# U, ^" n( y3 H3 y> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.2 ]" M& ]! }. z* d4 k
> >
2 b( D/ C  w1 o. E; R> > Compassionate Leave/ g; ~9 N( a+ _& r, I7 I+ s
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing- d+ H' r6 t1 z6 A
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-- L5 Y/ T3 x' l# A8 x$ l
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-4 S5 j" u2 M+ {8 G2 m- H
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
" a* _* X/ M) Y4 ~, }> > In rare cases where employee involvement is' J& t" }5 a# _7 E4 ]! Q7 C- z& A
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the# ?# ~( ~6 A9 W  T
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
0 m6 r" [; e; e> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one- q- L8 }( f; q
> > hour early.
0 `- Y) @5 d- m* S> >
" \0 h0 v$ b: d1 m> > Toilet Use
6 i7 W  I+ Y9 Y2 b> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the' _1 |) \. w* p  G& G
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
& w4 i2 n/ ^+ N. n> > in the cubicles.
* C" y3 z& V1 C1 I> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will3 s. y& u2 S7 a! K
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle' n6 e$ b* {! |
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
9 L7 I; ^* [& z. Y> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
6 \: j, V  l% N9 h% G( h& S6 Z> > posted on the company notice board under the
7 x0 i" l1 v) c1 m, y8 G> > "Chronic Offenders" category.5 o+ I* A) `/ ?7 l
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
' D3 Q% `3 b6 Z# s4 p+ k> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
2 X# ]2 Q; C$ F$ \) q> > policy.6 N7 B) @. Z: _0 A( r# h- W
> >7 u/ \( o6 u! B- M: U( Z* Q
> > Lunch Break$ ]+ l2 D9 ^) I/ ]
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
8 I7 B) O: k5 e4 P> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
* O) `8 N! Y/ Z8 z> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
7 n  e5 r: {& U- x" ?> > maintain their average figure.8 |. l5 F' O, S
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time  P: Q( `. N0 K( r2 T3 \+ d6 Z3 m1 b1 W
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
( u2 r6 p1 T. h* P' Z* w5 y7 [> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
" _  k1 F% j5 g# t4 X& o> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive7 h2 B8 N0 k0 Z" h2 P) Y* q
> > employment experience.
; p/ \' K( \9 Z+ h> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,% P* |# a! V. J, i  l: t% d, ]
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,8 p+ `1 `8 f  {, o+ o8 l( i: q
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be4 t1 Z6 p# C. v6 {' ]$ d% z. V
> > directed elsewhere.