HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:5 P$ p3 p8 I5 x' c' D% {
> >                     Effective January 2007% \7 {& X/ [. R3 s5 M2 S4 G9 ?0 _
> >
0 y/ m' X& x& L1 n) J> > Dress Code$ e' q4 b  w/ @4 a
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
4 M! C! k4 \9 r- Q+ t/ a> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing2 U# Q$ q( T4 Y: ^
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
3 a( K6 J" g! ]/ C9 J& v5 ?> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not2 F5 m/ R& S/ y2 q" n
> > need a pay raise.
) U3 L% R+ q* m" _, V> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
+ H0 C8 V4 G4 u/ L8 m  ~> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer0 g8 q, N% A& \  U4 y, W
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
. N# U2 C! Q+ d% b1 O% i9 Q( z( ?- e> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
7 V% U( U! l4 I% T+ k' h0 j# q> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay) T8 l; c4 z) \2 j/ l. x
> > raise.+ F8 P; p* C  }- W6 m9 r2 l
> >
% j- {0 X" I) i2 w) @2 u> > Sick Days
) h, R3 o# M# D$ d& ]> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as' J' s$ C" d' C% G
> > proof of sickness.4 K' {; n0 Z7 }) n% K# P- J. r5 J3 ]
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
$ [4 F: I1 n# h1 r> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days
8 q, h2 m" A3 a$ c8 r: H> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a4 z: q( T) _2 x% w8 h
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.1 [# ?/ U& h9 V' A" m/ `5 R2 T
> >7 J2 V7 U  m$ D5 L5 e0 z8 |
> > Compassionate Leave7 _. H4 `. s% a( Y8 G
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
8 j1 M( x- `) [; S% u+ w6 @> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
) e# Z# |2 x; }- g; X0 O# x> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
1 E; t/ Y% @+ Q7 [8 m> > employees attend to the arrangements.
  I; A# f# A* Y0 c2 A> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
! I" B4 b5 t  u" \9 w# r> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the+ ~: f4 v) ~0 \& x5 o  q
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work  [6 m4 u( j; Q2 {7 R9 X# Z5 B
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one& L: t$ c& G) w
> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use1 R2 d. y  `2 Z9 b( v6 u
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
) C9 g$ @! ~) B( u' _> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit; m# {3 w' ?) a: a9 e* Z, a5 k
> > in the cubicles.
8 w5 @4 {/ N4 [8 J0 R" _> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
/ g" `% X9 r3 ^8 V; P> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle" e2 ]8 l# |$ \. J; C
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.  G+ y$ a, g2 k4 j3 K6 V
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be6 h( a3 U( u3 [8 i1 s3 s9 U
> > posted on the company notice board under the
5 X5 I$ J2 Y, _" g2 ]> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
4 p9 w' N# v- k6 F" g> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be6 F1 S/ P4 w' g+ Y; o9 i
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health' D/ ?; ]0 h: j3 @7 L2 ^9 g& r
> > policy.
/ `2 x7 U' P7 ]> >
' [+ H% l8 t* F> > Lunch Break
* B, C# d1 [; B0 v> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
4 E! H% C. \9 w) T> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
" a# O. O; ^; Q7 _' {8 n, y> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
: Q2 @8 i: p3 ]> > maintain their average figure.  z. U% H4 l& V6 O
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
1 M1 o( |' _1 t) i2 V# [4 `0 }& x> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast., J! M& C7 M& O0 s4 P! H9 Z5 Z; P
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are$ B' I5 I8 R5 ~7 b3 |; |, E
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
  N: p: s3 r2 ~" V  w( C' {' d> > employment experience.; M: i$ Q: \3 u; r) a
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
, J# P& ~5 h6 y; X- v> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,: U! ~7 R) q& W7 ?  u
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
  S* `0 q7 F5 I- u> > directed elsewhere.