HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
/ B; M7 u7 V: G. [" {! j7 H> >                     Effective January 20075 a, w3 U- ?/ Z' p5 R
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> > Dress Code
% _$ d) B+ H" H1 e6 c7 l7 i> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
' f+ |$ O( Z0 l/ Q0 `& v> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
% K7 ?; {( P  e2 g# p> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume4 `! b9 A" i2 X' y, T& f( _  W. C
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not- m$ h  j: N' a7 _
> > need a pay raise.
& }5 f' G3 c0 x> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage+ j( _1 G9 u/ `- A
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
; W8 \% @& J2 k/ b> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
) d8 T: O2 O% \# O6 D> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you( O1 p/ s: g0 ]" ?6 c! Y
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
1 N+ K$ ]' i: j3 L0 v> > raise.
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> > Sick Days* y5 |1 u* ]& g7 w
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as" a) l( T2 j* Z+ g; N8 m7 H  {1 `6 m
> > proof of sickness.- p) C2 @. y8 c* w
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
, ]: L/ B" ~: Z  n. W> > to come to work.+ J$ s: Q6 [/ h. _
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> > Holiday Days
! B/ V! F3 g; @> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a: m; U5 ?" f5 G/ T; {
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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  S- e- h% r" D6 I> > Compassionate Leave- S& b# d; P( X4 @
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
" {, ~( c# D8 z5 \; d4 r> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-. M. z- w6 h8 F* g
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
  R6 s2 E9 v/ R0 K> > employees attend to the arrangements." a) V  a' I  v
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
" R; x9 l( N4 s& W: l* ^/ f3 _; c> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
  A) V- u) b8 L, o> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
4 ]' z6 f+ P: I7 [# h2 a$ r> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
1 L* A$ e: c6 s4 z> > hour early." k  b) b7 |# a& z
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> > Toilet Use
. D+ o7 h: a  c9 \+ o> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
( p; a% A, G2 ~8 T> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
8 n- G/ j3 j9 Z> > in the cubicles.
' W- d. I* Q- F> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
* G. k, [7 D+ s/ @+ a> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle$ D% }; T9 J) [" [4 \1 u6 p
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.& w4 h$ p1 x* p0 A# u
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
  a5 r. o: V8 _& ~2 O0 u6 A> > posted on the company notice board under the
: m3 [% g; ^" \9 f> > "Chronic Offenders" category.* `; e* \3 R7 W7 E6 S9 P
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
7 j2 Z% r7 D% l& p* w4 h% I$ p' X+ i> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
/ E9 N, S0 C$ g9 E5 {> > policy.& Y) A0 o9 w2 r& N) d: P/ X! O
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> > Lunch Break+ h% G! R  R/ Y, |
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
/ \9 p3 l& q/ T1 @7 x> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.& J6 n% D. _# \+ O" q
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
' q9 O* x6 `8 L3 r> > maintain their average figure.
' N+ M) l. W9 }> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time( h8 m( e, n7 E3 v$ ?' J
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
1 C; _8 H5 n+ P+ V( v0 `4 c! ^> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
3 Y" D! a3 N; v) @; O) Y5 p> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
3 M# X' W2 ~, T. M> > employment experience.
' T$ R# k9 N3 w% l) X  d7 W6 l> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
+ x4 ]: c; h3 n2 Z> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,6 U" u9 m7 M; k& B/ ^0 B' v1 |% P
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be+ e' }* z2 l4 t. X+ K' x) v! E* u* d
> > directed elsewhere.