HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
3 @! _% O% Z* I> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code! m# X" @% P: h$ g9 @3 w1 x
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed6 b) j" v3 S4 n4 G% S, z% @' W/ D. l
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing  n4 s' H* O- x  u: q
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume, f7 |7 c. J4 W, p7 b# b
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
6 N, d% S* J# _$ B9 Q> > need a pay raise.
6 t% X* g* O2 n4 d8 h3 X> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
% d3 ~& ^. t2 \& T+ |: ~. h+ R> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
5 k; V* x# ]6 |> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.  x: M/ w! F- i1 S$ V  ?- e9 ^
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you: I  T  D2 c) D4 l0 B0 a4 E
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
# `$ H( b( U/ ^8 u* n. c2 b9 q> > raise.6 Q7 W# Q' E% c0 y1 |0 h
> >
( q; R/ l4 O* \6 h> > Sick Days) m4 p! E/ Y, t' ^
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as9 _) {  k% c1 F' e0 a) b/ S/ I; _8 d
> > proof of sickness.
, ^$ @! L! o: W" v2 D" W# m> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
* l0 w$ H* ^! x2 R" R3 R> > to come to work.
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0 `+ N! e0 s! ~% S) C> > Holiday Days
% z& c) i  l+ t, F/ w  c> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
7 \! V( r# S6 V7 V> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.% ^' |2 ?6 h8 [# i) }
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> > Compassionate Leave
3 |. V' G( m1 `+ L- M> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
, Q4 s7 O+ P2 ^' x7 |& g" R1 T> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-& i7 P6 g' {$ c( }
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
8 \, L2 \* I) @0 @7 L$ f, j> > employees attend to the arrangements.7 l0 r' s, X+ T0 [
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is6 ~8 f% x# G* P; c6 m
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the( `8 O* D3 v3 d# |2 l0 u- T  [6 S
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work2 O, f; R" W/ O1 S
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one0 U  H8 b; T% C- a2 O; O6 Y3 c
> > hour early.
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: J$ a2 P: r+ k6 M> > Toilet Use1 y" g8 I0 d6 g0 J9 z0 n
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the# @( K8 g( [2 S$ T4 [
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
) l" Q/ }* j9 H! A  ^+ |) ?> > in the cubicles.
) }, C! o- M" z9 H3 H: K> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
# [8 z! ?0 p. ]' ]& L& L> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
3 g/ E& z8 q& \# `> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.- V# p; r1 K% r  g. ~
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
( F' i# f( @* d  \  e6 k- ~> > posted on the company notice board under the0 L1 T2 w; K" o9 u
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
8 R7 N; N& j( h( c> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
) }  t: Z0 S) z9 ]3 h> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
; q' q1 k: d& f2 V' w> > policy.8 N& }2 Y) V8 r4 e: M" B
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> > Lunch Break
5 x5 U5 ^6 M3 b1 g( Z" N; u> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
& h+ H$ }) n' h) U> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.- ~- U1 \! t3 Y8 S
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
; d# M. ?- C$ E: h' C- d$ G> > maintain their average figure.
$ V" e8 I7 V' }! {! B> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time7 j# Y+ S* c0 [% U7 o! ]
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.# C. \6 s* `( a' W2 l% d
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are9 S0 R3 X( r. x7 h1 X: M4 T0 G/ C
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
0 A# k7 n& c' X; O9 L> > employment experience.
5 q5 x2 a) ]* G5 C" C* I" O6 Y" ~> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
5 ]" F- d* \8 f! K4 n> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,# F; C' }' _  H$ e3 g& ]
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
8 K* \/ |  a" P4 |% n# A> > directed elsewhere.